


If Angels are Fairytales, Dean is a Prince

by kanoitrace



Series: When You Were Young [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2015-12-14
Packaged: 2018-02-19 20:44:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 21,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2402270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanoitrace/pseuds/kanoitrace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's senior year of high school for Dean, Castiel, and Charlie. It's the year that everything should look bright and shiny and perfect, what with their whole lives ahead of them and all. Instead, it's messy, filled with drugs, fights, and unrequited love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the sequel to "Angels Fall on Playgrounds." It involves a huge time jump, as this is a high school fic, though I'm sure I will reference childhood moments plenty (I have at least one scene planned where that is really important). This is part 2 of the When You Were Young series, and will be a decently long fic.
> 
> Huge thank you to my beta, pharocomics!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. If I did, my obsession with end!verse-inspired!Cas would probably have come through lol.

Summer before senior year is a surprisingly lonely one for Castiel. He spends most of it sitting at home, rereading postcards from his wayward mother. Charlie does her best to see him as much as she can, but between her normal travels with her family and the time she dedicates (most understandably) to her girlfriend Dorothy, it isn't as much as either of them would like. Dean, however, basically falls off the face of the planet in the couple of months that they aren't in school. He'd begun dating the unequivocally perfect Anna Milton towards the end of junior year, and, as such, has been up her ass ever since. He barely so much as speaks to Cas all summer, and the couple of times they do make plans, Dean bails last minute to go see Anna, with nothing more than a shot out text of "You understand."

 

He does understand. He understands that Dean tends to think with his dick more than his brain, and he understands that sometimes it is very hard to be friends with someone like that. And Cas finds himself starting to resent Anna, which isn't really fair because he actually likes her. She's smart and kind and gorgeous, to boot (which often leaves Charlie and Cas pondering just what, exactly, she sees in Dean). It isn't her fault that Dean is being an awful friend, as Dean has always been the type to do whatever he wants. It is simply a fact that, up until this point, most of the time 'doing what he wants' included Castiel. But as stated, Anna Milton is perfect, so Cas can kind of see why Dean is hooked.

 

So, summer before senior year has an interesting, if not altogether awful, sense of melancholy about it, and instead of amping Cas up for his last year of high school, he instead finds himself wholly dreading it. Yet, somehow, he still finds himself being dragged to a party at Lisa Braeden's house the last weekend before they're due back in school (no one can ever make him admit that Charlie's winning argument had been that Dean will be there).

 

When they get there, the house is full to bursting, and Castiel can't help musing that it's a wonder the police haven't shown already. Dorothy claims it has something to do with Lisa's father's place in the local government, which Charlie and Cas are more than willing to accept as fact.

 

It's all terribly unexciting in the way that high school parties are, between horny couples hooking up in dark corners and warm beer being the beverage of choice. Still, Cas will always find himself grateful for warm beer in the absence of anything stronger, so he finds himself oscillating between standing against walls with a drink in hand and dancing with Charlie and Dorothy. Dean doesn't show up until about an hour and a half after they get there (and if Cas was counting, which he most assuredly was **not** , he would be able to say it had been exactly one hour and thirty-seven minutes). Anna is, surprisingly and unsurprisingly, absent (it's surprising in the sense that to see Dean without her is an oddity now-a-days, but unsurprising because perfect Anna Milton would never be caught dead at a place where underage students were drinking). Dean casually strolls up to them, high-fiving and greeting all the usual suspects along the way, and he seems so wholly unaware of what a bad friend he's been that it almost makes Cas's blood boil.

 

When Dean finally reaches them and, smiling obliviously, greets them with, "Hey guys, long time no see, how's it going?" Charlie, at least, has the good graces to grimace.

 

Dorothy, walking poster child of confidence that she is, takes the reins and answers, "We're at a party, genius, how do you think?" But she says it with a coy smile, so Dean just laughs in _yeah, you're right_ kind of way. Leave it to Dorothy to be passive-aggressive and leave the victim none the wiser.

 

"Where's Anna?" Charlie asks.

 

Dean shrugs good-naturedly. "At home. You know Anna."

 

Cas wants desperately to point out that, yes, he does know Anna, that he knew Anna before any of them, actually, as they are in all the honors classes together and went to church together their whole lives up until Cas stopped going. He wants to point out that Anna doesn't come to these parties not because she is against the underage fraternization, but because she has an image in the town to keep up (he knows she isn't against it because in freshman and sophomore year, the two of them had spent plenty of weekends at her older boyfriend's frat house, getting wasted in every sense of the word, though Cas is sure he's the only one that knows that, as Luke has long since been a thing of the past and she'd hid his existence well to begin with). He also wants to point out that if he'd known Dean was going to be such a bad friend after they started dating, that he never would have introduced them to begin with (because how else would someone like Dean Winchester get on Anna Milton's radar other than through a mutual friend).

 

So, instead of commenting, Cas doesn't respond at all, letting the girls do all the talking as he takes a long pull of his beer. This only works so long before Dean starts shooting him questioning glances before finally straight out asking, "Dude, what's wrong with you?"

 

It takes everything Cas has to bite his tongue, already loosened by the cheap booze, but he can't manage to stifle the glare. He knows Charlie and Dorothy are both waiting with baited breath to see how this plays out, wondering if they'll have to field a fight between the two.

 

Cas saves them the trouble, grumbling, "I need some fresh air," before stalking off to the Braeden's back deck.

 

Despite the din around them, he can perfectly hear Dean's "What the fuck is his problem?" What he can't hear quite so clearly is Charlie's response, though he's sure she's chewing Dean out on his behalf.

 

He downs the rest of his beer on the way to the door, grabbing another bottle before heading outside. Popping the cap, he leans against the deck's railing, pointedly ignoring the rutting couples around him and wishing he had something stronger in his hand besides the beer. He manages about ten minutes outside before someone invades his personal space. Expecting it to be Charlie, he's surprised to find an oddly familiar looking blonde girl leaning with her back against the railing and smiling at him.

 

"You look like you could use a pick-me-up," she says, expression turning compassionate. When he remains silent, she extends her hand for a handshake. "April Kelly."

 

Castiel squints at her, slowly extending his own hand to take hers. It must look as unnatural as it feels because then April is laughing at him.

 

"You have a name to go with that brooding face?" she asks.

 

"Castiel Shurley." After a beat, he adds, "You look familiar." And she does, though not in the way someone from school might.

 

"I work at the Applebee’s in town," she offers helpfully, and he thinks that must be it, so he nods, offering a small, "Ah."

 

She suddenly pushes off the railing, setting a heavy gaze on him. "So since you look like you're having about as much fun as a bag of wet cats, and I'm feeling about the same, what do you say we get out of here?"

 

In the span of about ten seconds Castiel goes from thinking to all the reasons he should say no ("my friends are still here", "I don't know you", "I can't reciprocate your advances") to thinking of ridiculous green eyes to agreeing because he doesn't think he can face anymore of Dean tonight (nor does he want to face any of Charlie's attempts at bridging the gap between the two boys).

 

They slip back through the house, specifically avoiding the living room turned dance floor at Cas's request, and once they reach the sanctuary of April's old, blue Honda, only then does he pull out his phone to shoot Charlie a text saying he isn't feeling well and went home. They're about halfway down the road when Charlie's response of "hope u feel better. call if u need anythng" comes through, but he doesn't respond and simply pockets his phone once more.

 

Cas doesn't even bother to ask April where they're going, instead choosing to just sit and listen to the low murmur of the radio playing the new hit song of the week. After about a forty-five minute drive, they pull up at a park in the next town over.

 

She reaches over, and, for a brief moment, he's afraid she's actually going to grope him, but, instead, her hand goes down under the passenger seat and she pulls out a paper bag containing what is obviously a bottle. When she sits back up, she smiles nervously.

 

"Anna told me that you liked to party, so I kind of just assumed... should I not have?"

 

Cas squints at her, even more perplexed. "Anna?"

 

April visibly swallows, nodding. "Yeah. We're in bible study together."

 

And that's when it dawns on Castiel just why April looks so familiar. "We went to church together."

 

April's smile widens a little, but it does nothing to break up the nervousness on her face. "Yeah, but... it's been years, and we weren't in the same youth group, so I get you not remembering."

 

His face pinches into a frown. "Still, I'm sorry. That was rude of me."

 

She quickly shakes her head. "No, no! You're fine."

 

Awkward silence falls between them, giving Cas just enough time to ponder that Anna was talking about him and did April know that Anna 'likes to party, too?' before April clears her throat. He looks over, and she lifts the bottle slightly. "So...?"

 

Well, hadn't he just been wishing for something stronger at the party? So he offers her a small, half-smile.

 

"Why not?"

 

 

As it turns out, there is a different sort of party going on at the park, one that assures Cas that April does indeed know about Anna's habit since the redhead is sitting with a group of people, passing a joint off to a blonde guy to her right.  He can't help raising an eyebrow at her as he walks up.

 

"Surprised to see you here."

 

She glances up at him through her eyelashes. eyes rimmed red. "Well, everyone from school is at Lisa's."

 

Of course that's it. With the rest of the school preoccupied, Anna can hang out with the stoners.

 

He frowns down at her. "Does Dean know where you are?"

 

She smiles prettily up at him. "I won't tell if you don't."

 

He huffs out a laugh because, of course, Dean doesn't know, but instead of brooding over just what Dean would think about his best friend and his girlfriend skulking about in the woods in the next town over to get high, he sits down on Anna's left, snatches the flask from her lap, and takes a swig, wincing at the sharp burn of the tequila.

 

"Really, Anna?"

 

She shrugs, taking another hit off the joint before passing it to him. "It works in a pinch."

 

And Cas supposes it does. "Did you send April to get me?"

 

"I figured I was saving you?"

 

He narrows his eyes at her. "As flattering as it is that you thought of me, what makes you think I want to be here any more than I wanted to be there?" He doesn't ask what he wanted to, which is where was this so-called consideration all summer while she'd been hogging his best friend.

 

"Because I'm pretty sure you're mad at Dean. I would be." She turns to face him fully. "Castiel, you have to know that I tried to tell him he should spend time with you when I found out he was blowing you off. He just said you understood, though."

 

And of course, this is the reason Cas couldn't stay mad at perfect, beautiful Anna Milton. He's known Anna long enough and well enough to know she isn't really a deceitful harpy, despite how much her double life might imply it.

 

She's staring at him with wide, hazel eyes, silently imploring for his forgiveness (because as much as he prefers Dean and Charlie's company, Anna is his friend too, more so than people realize, the two of them having clung to each other in the times that meeting their families' expectations proved too much), so he softly bumps her shoulder with his. "Next time you want to kidnap me, be sure to bring better alcohol."

 

She smiles brilliantly at him. "Noted."

 

They spend the rest of the night getting high and drunk, and in the morning he's left wondering how he even made it home as he wakes up in his own bed with the hangover from Hell.

 

He checks his phone to find two texts, one from an unknown number that says "Hope you feel ok. Had fun last night tho. Txt me sometime ;)" He shoots a text back asking who this is, and then attends to the second message which is from Dean and reads "sry man. charlie n i talked last night n she told me what an ass i was all summer. can u forgive me?"

 

Castiel sighs, his head hurting far too much for this right now. He ponders ignoring it for awhile, but instead sends a text back saying "it's ok. i understand. we'll talk later. not feeling well today." The response is immediate- "thats cool. hope u feel better. call me whn u do?" He quickly responds that he will, and just as he's about to roll over and go back to sleep, his phone vibrates again.

 

It's the unknown number this time, and all it says is "Balthazar."

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is Dean Winchester without a little self-loathing?

Dean's summer rocks, all the way up until Friday night. He spends it mostly with Anna, who he honestly can't thank Cas enough for introducing him to. She's beautiful, smart, and a firecracker in the bedroom (or the back of the Impala, as the case often is). Sam is a little shit who constantly cracks jokes about  _What in the world does she see in you, Dean?_ , and while Dean knows his little brother is only giving him a hard time, it cuts deeper than he'd like to admit. Anna Milton is perfection in a pale-skinned, redheaded package, and he knows she probably wouldn't have ever given him the time of day if not for Castiel talking him up. Dean doesn't know how he got lucky enough to have the perfect Anna Milton as a girlfriend and the perfect Castiel Shurley as a best friend. Don't get him wrong, he loves Charlie, but they're both pretty low on the totem pole of high school (and life).

Dean and Charlie are Grade-A nerds, and they fly that flag pretty proudly. Charlie, at least, has a leg up on Dean in that she's incredibly smart, to boot, but she's also happens to be gay. Dean doesn't mind it one lick. Charlie is awesome, and the two of them often find themselves commiserating over relationship woes and porn. High school and a small town, however, aren't quite as kind to Charlie. She never seems to mind though. Dean kind of admires her for that, wishing he had half the guts and confidence she does. But it remains that they fall pretty low on that totem pole.

Castiel and Anna, though? They're fucking paragons of the community. Cas likes to claim he's nothing of the sort, but Dean is quick to disagree. The only things that bring Cas down is that he insists on continuing to hang around Dean and Charlie (which Dean will never not count his lucky stars for) and that he stopped going to church a few years back (which Dean doesn't think impacts that much, but Cas claims different). Otherwise? Castiel Shurley is every bit as out of his league as Anna Milton. They're both so fucking smart it hurts, neither of them in a single one of the basic classes with Dean. Nope. They're full-blown honors and AP class, Ivy League school bound geniuses. Dean isn't bothered by that though, since he knows they both work their asses off for it. Dean has sat around enough summers with Cas while he studies (and then done the same with Anna this summer) to know it.

On top of the brains, they're both Grade-A hotties in their own right, and could have their pick of anyone in the school. Oddly, the both of them seldom date. Anna told Dean early on that he was only like her second boyfriend or something (though whoever her last boyfriend had been must have taught her a lot because hot damn), and Dean is certain that he's never seen Cas have an interest in anyone (though he's seen plenty of pretty girls bat their eyelashes at the oblivious guy, and Dean swears he isn't jealous of the attention).

And then there's the fact that both of them know basically everyone in the town due to the community church. They're the apple of the whole town's eye, neither one of them ever once getting into an ounce of trouble. They're gorgeous, well-liked, straight-A students that every parent in Lawrence tells their kids to look up and aspire to.

So yeah, Cas and Anna are perfection on legs, bound for so much more than their small town of Lawrence, and Dean is glad for every day they don't seem to realize they're too good for him.

But the last Friday before senior year, Lisa Braeden throws a giant house party. Normally, Dean would be all for a chance to get three-sheets-to-the-wind wasted before he has to start back to homework and tests, but this year is a little different. He knows before he even asks that Anna won't go. Anna Milton does not go to parties, and that's one large difference between her and Cas. Cas will at least attend and act like a somewhat normal high school student, but Anna swears that the "underage fraternization" is what separates those that get accepted to Brown from those that go to KU.

He asks all the same, but, of course, she says no ( _It's the weekend before school, Dean, I have to make sure I get prepared_ ). He almost doesn't go himself, but Charlie talks him into it, saying things like  _come on, it's senior year!_ and  _we've barely hung out all summer_ , so he goes.

When he gets there, the party is already in full swing, so it takes him a moment to stake out Charlie and Dorothy, and he's pleasantly surprised to find Cas there as well. He was a little worried the guy was going to pull the same thing as Anna and stay in because school is starting in two more days.

He realizes as he comes up to them that it really has been awhile since they all hung out, and says as much himself. "Hey guys, long time no see, how's it going?"

Dorothy responds, "We're at a party, genius, how do you think?" Her delivery is a little snippy, but Dean doesn't think anything of it; that's just how Dorothy is. There was a time they didn't get along at all, her calling Dean a neanderthal, and him calling her stuck up, but once they both realized they were stuck with each other via Charlie, they figured out how to get along. That doesn't mean they don't still give each other a hard time though.

And he figures she's right about the party- of course it's going well. There's booze and loud music- Lisa's parties are the stuff of high school legend. He's always had a good time at Lisa's (and sometimes with Lisa, though that won't be happening now), and he's prepared to do that tonight until Charlie reminds him of why he almost didn't come, asking, "Where's Anna?"

It's a like a punch to the gut, but he tries to shrug it off, act like it doesn't bother him one bit that his girlfriend would rather be out studying than out with him on the last weekend before school. But he supposes he did hoard a lot of her time this summer, so he can't be too upset. "You know Anna."

Charlie shoots him a sympathetic look. "Won't even come to a party for you?"

She really isn't helping him feel any better, but he shrugs again. "I mean, it's not a big deal. Everyone knows Anna doesn't party, and we spent enough time together this summer. She deserves some time to do her thing, you know?"

Charlie and Dorothy both nod before Dorothy asks, "So did you get the summer reading done?"

"Are we seriously talking about homework at a party?" Charlie whines.

"Yes, because unlike  **some people** ," Dorothy emphasizes the statement with a hard look at her girlfriend, "some of us actually have to make an effort."

Charlie pulls a face. "I make an effort."

Dorothy rolls her eyes. "Yeah, in breaking into the school records to change your grades."

"Exactly!" Charlie chirps with a bounce and a flick of her hair. "I earned those grades through hard work. Maybe just not the kind of hard work the teachers intended."

Dean can't help laughing at the couple because damn. They really are a blast to be around.

Dorothy finally stops shaking her head at Charlie and turns her attention back to Dean. "So, the reading, you do it?"

"Yeah," he responds, sticking his tongue out. "Anna made sure of it."

Charlie laughs good-naturedly. "Man, you're so whipped."

Dean just flips her the bird, grinning at her the whole while. "Like you're not."

She laughs with a, "Screw you, Winchester."

He just grins wider, and then turns his attention to Cas. "What about you, Cas? Anna said you guys had some rough stuff this year."

But Cas doesn't answer. He's glowering at his beer bottle instead. As a matter of fact, he's been suspiciously quiet the whole night, didn't even say hey when Dean walked up. It kind of pisses Dean off, actually, because the alternative is to feel bad, and he already has enough insecurity where Cas and Anna are concerned that he doesn't want to dwell on that tonight.

"Dude, what's wrong with you?" he finally asks. The last thing he expects is the vicious glare Cas sets on him, so harsh it knocks the breath out of Dean. They stare at each other for what feels like hours, awkward silence crackling between them, completely oblivious to the party raging around them.

Finally, Cas looks away, grumbling, "I need some fresh air," before stalking off.

He can't help feeling hurt, but the Dean Winchester way of dealing with feelings is to get angry. "What the fuck is his problem?"

Charlie rounds on him, expression like a thunder cloud over water. "Seriously, Winchester!?"

He backs down a bit in the face of a pissed off Bradbury (because damn if Charlie didn't get her mother's temper). "What!?" Because really? What the hell is going on here?

"You ignored him like all summer! His feelings are hurt!"

"I did not!"

"Really? Then when was the last time you saw him?" Charlie puts her hands on her hips in an expression of  _go on, prove me wrong, I dare you_.

And he hates to admit it, but when he actually thinks about it, he realizes he actually hasn't  **seen**  Cas since school ended. He glances at Dorothy who is no help at all because she just shrugs at him, giving him the  _you-done-fucked-up-Winchester_  look.

She nods her head at his silence. "And how many times did you blow him off for Anna?"

 **That** one bothers him. "He said he understood!"

Charlie rolls her eyes so hard he's momentarily concerned they're going to get stuck in the back of her head. " **Of course**  he said he understood! It's Cas! He isn't going to tell you he's upset over something like that."

"Well why the hell not!?"

Charlie lets out the most exasperated noise. "Seriously! Do you even know him!?  **He**  set you and Anna up! He isn't going to come between you guys! God! Some best friends you are!"

That one goes straight through his heart because she's right. They've been best friends since they were four, but yet he somehow missed this. He refuses to take all the blame, though, because after fourteen fucking years Cas should have learned how to fucking tell Dean he was mad at him!

Dean doesn't stay much longer, suddenly altogether not in the partying mood. He was managing without Anna by his side, but now with Cas pissed at him, he isn't managing anything. Without evening having one beer, he climbs back into his car and heads straight home, curling up in his bed (thankfully, no one is still awake to question what he's doing home so early). He contemplates texting Anna, but decides against it. She's probably busy doing her brainiac thing, and Dean doesn't want to get in the way of that. It's a pounding reminder that he isn't good enough for two of the people he cares most about.

He spends the whole night tossing and turning, his brain refusing to shut off. At some point around five, sleep drunk and delirious, he texts Cas an apology. He agonizes over it, not wanting to come off too clingy, but wanting Cas to know that he knows he screwed up. He finally settles on  _sry man. charlie n i talked last night n she told me what an ass i was all summer. can u forgive me?_

He goes down for breakfast not too long after. When he still hasn't heard from Cas after eating, he sends Anna a text saying "wat u up to 2day babe?"

Anna doesn't respond either.

It's about ten in the morning when he finally hears back from Cas, "it's ok. i understand. we'll talk later. not feeling well today." He feels guilty somehow, unsure if Cas really does feel bad or if he's avoiding him. He wants to ask Cas if he should come over, but something stops him. He doesn't want to bother Cas if he doesn't want to see him, so instead he responds, "thats cool. hope u feel better. call me whn u do?" He feels a little better when Cas says he will.

It's about another two hours later when Anna texts him back saying, "not feeling well. Gonna stay in bed. sry."

Dean sends back "hope u feel better soon. dont want you to miss the frst day of school".

Anna sends back "lol god no".

So Dean goes and pesters Sam until the kid agrees to have a Star Wars marathon with him to distract him from his loneliness (but of course he doesn't tell Sammy that's why, instead opting to act like he's doing the kid a favor).

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be how this story is told- alternating POVs of the same events. I recently read Dean Winchester is a Gay Virgin by bettydays (which, btw, if you haven't yet read, you should, as well as everything else she's ever written), which also uses the tactic. I fell in love with the idea and realized it was the perfect way I wanted to tell this story. Despite the overlap in content, though, I'm hoping it doesn't get too repetitive.
> 
> Also, huge thanks to pharocomics, without whom, this was basically illegible.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to pharocomics for being my lovely beta!

After recovering from his hangover, Castiel spends the whole weekend texting with Balthazar, and while Cas may not be able to remember Friday night, Balthazar at least seems to. After he initially assuages Cas's fears that he made an absolute ass of himself (or was an absolute slut), the two of them wind up endlessly discussing a wide variety of topics, staying up late into the evening both nights, even Sunday night before school starts.

Balthazar's family moved to Lawrence at the start of the summer, so he'll be starting his senior year at Lawrence High School. His family moved in next door to Anna's, which explains how he knows her. He isn't quite so sure how he got Anna to open up about her recreational activities though.

("oh she didnt. Met april & she invited me" is the response Castiel gets when he asks, followed shortly by "but dont worry. I know it's a secret i'm supposed 2 take to the grave.")

In all the excitement of talking to Balthazar, Castiel completely forgets to call Dean.

* * *

"Hey, sleepy head, wake up. It's class time, not sleep time," Anna scolds as she pokes Cas in the side with the eraser of her pencil.

"Bell hasn't rang yet," he grumbles, burying his face further into the cushion of his arms.

"Why are you so tired, anyway?"

Cas groans, covering his head with his arms in a last ditch effort to block Anna out.

"Does it have anything to do with a sexy Brit?" she sing-songs.

Cas raises his arm enough to peek out at Anna. "A sexy Brit?"

"Balthazar?"

"He's British?... Huh." And then he's hiding back in the arm cocoon.

"What do you mean 'huh'!?" She leans closer to whisper, "You guys were certainly all buddy-buddy Friday night."

Castiel finally sits up enough to talk to Anna, giving up on ignoring her and getting a few more moments of rest. "Anna, while this may come as a shock to you, I don't remember anything from Friday after your shitty flask of tequila."

She has the good graces to wince. "Yeah. That makes sense."

"The only reason I know who he is at all is because he texted me the next morning. We've been talking all weekend."

Anna's perfect eyebrows knit together shrewdly. "All weekend?"

"Yes."

She purses her lips. "You know you forgot to call Dean, right?"

Castiel can't respond to that, far too busy slamming his head against the desk to deign a response.

* * *

"So that must have been some bug, huh?" Charlie asks, sliding into her seat next to Cas. AP Physics is one of the only classes the two share together (the other being AP Calculus, last class of the day).

"You have no idea," Castiel groans.

After Anna's reminder that he had, in fact, neglected Dean all weekend, and his resultant head injury (he wouldn't be surprised if he is concussed), Castiel has been oscillating between awful guilt and righteous validation. Plus a killer headache that refuses to go away. Seriously, he's sure he's concussed.

"Still not feeling well?"

Cas glances out of the corner of his eye at Charlie, and her expression is all concern and sympathy. He feels guilty immediately. Even if Dean is possibly deserving of his lies, Charlie most certainly isn't.

"If guilt is an illness, then yes."

She quirks an eyebrow. "Huh?"

Heaving a sigh, he formulates the least incriminating version of the story possible. "I met someone Friday night."

"No way!" Charlie is staring at him, eyes wide and mouth agape. When he doesn't immediately offer up any more information, she starts whacking him in the arm. "Well go on! Out with it! Tell me about her!"

Cas tries not to grimace, but figures if he does he can just pull it off as a reaction to his headache and Charlie's rather violent display. "Why are you hitting me?"

"Because! This is  **huge**! You never meet people!"

He settles an unamused look on her.

She immediately turns sheepish. "Sorry." Settling back into her seat, she continues a little more calmly, "I'm just saying I'm excited. Come on, I'm one of your best friends. Don't you want to talk about it?"

"The suggestive eye waggle is highly unnecessary." He glances shyly at her. "But yes... I guess I do."

Anna is great and all, but nothing beats talking to his best friends about the exciting things in life, and Balthazar definitely counts among those. Besides, Charlie is gay, so he figures maybe she can relate a little more.

Unfortunately, the teacher walks in and the bell rings before he actually gets the chance to tell her anything.

"After class, Shurley," she hisses, all conspiratorial smiles.

He smiles back and nods.

* * *

As they're packing up their things after class, Charlie is quick to bump Cas's shoulder. "Soooo...?"

Castiel smiles coyly at her. "So what?"

She rolls her eyes. "Don't play smart with me, Shurley, you know what. Tell me about this mystery person! Like now! You know, before we get to lunch and all the party poopers rain on our parade?"

"You know one of those 'party poopers' is your girlfriend, right?"

She shrugs noncommittally. "Yeah, so? Just cuz I love her doesn't mean she can't be a party pooper. After all, that's why she has me around!"

With a laugh he says, "Yes, the party don't start until you walk in."

She winks. "Damn straight. I'm Kesha, baby!" The two of them laugh loudly, attracting more than a few curious stares before they finally calm down again. "So anyway! Enough stalling! Tell me about this mystery person."

"His name is Balthazar."

"Whoa whoa whoa!  **He**!?  **I knew you batted for our team**!"

He winces at her volume, face flushing red as people start staring again. "Charlie, please."

Charlie, for her part, seems completely unashamed. "So what's he like!?"

Blush still burning hotly, he says, "Nice, funny, debonair. He's new to town. Well, sort of. His family moved here at the beginning of the summer."

"Sounds dashing! When do I get to meet him? You know Queen Charlie has to approve of all potential love interests!"

Cas smiles at her. "Um... I'm not sure? We haven't even been on one date yet. We just spent the whole weekend talking."

Charlie's eyes about bug out of her head. "Wait! Is this why you blew off Dean!?"

"Does  **everyone**  know about that?" he groans, wanting badly to bury his face in his hands but unable to due to the books already taking up residence there.

Charlie gives him a look that's settled somewhere halfway between an apologetic smile and a grimace. "He was pretty bothered about it, yeah. Said you told him you weren't feeling well, promised to call him, and then never did. He thought you were really sick, Cas."

Guilt and anger wage a war in his chest, but neither seems willing to relent, so instead he says, "In my defense, I was pretty sick."

"I'm not sure hangovers count, especially when they're well deserved cuz you lied to your friends."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry, Charlie. I really do feel bad for that."

"Well, I forgive you, at least. How can I hold you finding a hot piece of tail against you?"

"Thanks."

"He better be hot enough to warrant it, though," she mock threatens.

Cas just laughs because he's actually kind of hoping the same.

"What up, losers?"

Castiel and Charlie both stumble as Dorothy comes up behind them and throws her arms over their shoulders.

"Cas here bats for our team," is Charlie's way of greeting.

"You don't say." Dorothy is giving him an assessing look, as though she's analyzing him for quality control of the gay population of Lawrence High.

"Found himself a hot, new kid in town."

Dorothy grins proudly at him. "Well good for you!"

The rest of the walk to the cafeteria is spent discussing how the first day is going so far, as well as Dorothy and Charlie regaling Castiel with tales of what happened and who did who at the party Friday night.

When they finally get their food and sit at their normal table, Dean and Anna are already sitting there. The couple stops talking as soon as the trio sits down, Anna smiling in greeting and Dean shooting Cas a worried look.

"So you're feeling better then?" he asks.

Castiel swallows around the sudden lump in his throat as he feels all eyes boring into him. "Yeah. I am. Sorry I never called you. It kind of slipped away from me."

Guilt finally wins the war as a look of hurt flashes across Dean's face even as he says, "Hey, it's cool, man. I understand."

Castiel is starting to think 'I understand' is some new code word for 'you're a sucky friend and I'm really upset with you.' Honestly, when did it get this hard to talk to his best friend?

Charlie clears her throat. "So! How was your weekend, Anna?"

The other redhead smiles prettily. "It was nice. Relaxing. Felt a little under the weather myself on Saturday, but pepped back up quick enough."

Even as Dean is saying, "Maybe something is going around?" Charlie is shooting a skeptical look at Cas and Anna, but perfect Anna Milton's act is unshakeable.

"Maybe. Could just be the weather changing," is her completely natural sounding response. "But hey, can never be too careful, right?"

"Dean, how was your weekend?" Castiel asks, not letting the awkward lull that wants to fall into the conversation happen. He's not sure why he's so desperate to cover for Anna, except that he guesses he's also covering for himself. He doesn't think he can feel more like the scum of the Earth.

Dean shrugs. "Eh, boring as hell. Watched Sammy run himself ragged to get ready for the start of school. Thought the kid was gonna have a cow about his binders not being properly color coordinated."

Charlie shakes her head. "Man, sometimes he's too smart for his own good."

Dean beams proudly. "Yep. He got the brains in the outfit, that's for sure. Least I got the looks though?"

Dorothy quirks an eyebrow and smirks. "You so sure about that?"

"Hey!"

And just like that they're all laughing, all traces of awkwardness completely forgotten. They all fall into easy conversation until a tall, blond boy walks up to their table. Cas can't help but think 'swaggers' might be the more appropriate term.

The newcomer's blue eyes fall first on perfect Anna Milton. "Anna, dear, I was wondering if I could sit with you and your friends, seeing as how I don't know anyone else here."

Anna smiles up at him. "Sure."

Castiel suddenly has a terrible case of cottonmouth.

As soon as the boy sits, Anna turns her smile to the rest of the table. "Guys, this is Balthazar. His family moved in next door to mine at the start of the summer."

"Oh, we've heard aaalllll about you," Charlie titters.

Balthazar looks pleasantly surprised, intoning, "Oh, have you now?" in the exact same moment Dean deadpans, "We have?"

Anna, for her part, plays the clueless role perfectly. While Castiel, for his part, is sure he's about to spontaneously combust. The thought  _definitely hot enough_  runs across his mind before he can stop it.

Balthazar turns that sly smile onto Cas. "You've been talking about me, then? I'm flattered."

Anna looks between them. "You two know each other?"

Castiel kind of wants to throttle Anna in that moment, especially when he glances the ill-concealed amusement in her eyes. Everyone else is too focused on him to notice though.

"Ah, yes. Cassie, here, and I met at that party on Friday night."

Everyone's enjoyment of the conversation is cut short when Dean's voice cuts through the giggles and  _oo_ 's and  _ah_ 's. "Wait. What? I thought you went home sick Friday night."

It's like a rock has made it's home in Castiel's stomach as a hush falls over the table, a very large rock named  _Guilt Supreme_.  _Guilt Supreme_  also seems to have impeded the functioning of Castiel's vocal cords, as all he can do it stare, wide-eyed, back at Dean.

"You're fucking kidding me." When Cas doesn't respond, not because he doesn't want to, but because, for some reason, he can't, Dean continues. "Seriously!? I was worried about you, and you weren't actually sick at all!? You blew us off, your fucking friends, to go hang out with some random dude!? And you were just fucking hungover the next day, I bet! Real classy, Cas!" By the time he's done, Dean is standing up, towering over the whole table.

Everyone is staring at Dean, barely breathing, until Balthazar breaks the silence. "Look, I think you're over-reacting."

Dean turns on him, eyes flashing dangerously. "Don't talk to me! Just don't even start! You don't have a right."

"Dean!" Anna hisses in warning, obviously scandalized at her boyfriend's reaction.

Dean seems completely unaware that she's even spoken, instead throwing accusing looks all around the table. "And you guys all knew!? Right, really funny joke! Let's see how long it takes for neanderthal Dean to figure out we're pulling the wool over his eyes!"

"Dean, it wasn't like that!" Charlie interjects.

"No, you know what, Charlie! Screw you!"

This time it's Dorothy who bites out, "Dean!" arms immediately going around her taken-aback girlfriend.

"Screw all you guys!" And just like that, Dean Winchester is storming out of the cafeteria.

For a beat, no one says anything. Then Balthazar says, "Well, he's certainly pleasant, isn't he?"

"I'm sorry, he's not usually like this. I'll go talk to him." And then Anna is up and leaving, as well.

Cas jumps when he feels a hand on his shoulder, turning to find Charlie looking at him sympathetically. "You okay, Cas?"

It doesn't escape his notice that Dorothy and Balthazar are also wearing the same expression. He bites the inside of his lip, unable to look any of them straight in the eye. It's the only way he can answer, "Yeah, what about you?" without crying like he wants to.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much overlap between this chapter and the last, but... that just means all new content? :D Sorry it took so long to get this out. We'll blame the holidays (and certainly not me, oh goodness no).
> 
> Also, thank you to pharocomics for being a lovely beta, as always!

He'd been worried. Dean had been honest-to-God worried about Cas's health. He'd felt fucking bad for being a shitty friend all summer. He'd planned on doing everything in his power to get Cas to forgive him, and instead, Cas wasn't even sick. Instead, he'd been off gallivanting with some arrogant douche bag! And that is just wrong on so many levels!

"Dean!"

He continues storming down the silent hallway, steadfastly ignoring Anna's call of his name.

"Dean, wait!"

He only stops when she grabs his arm, huffing and puffing from the exertion of catching up with him.

Anna gazes up at him, clear concern and confusion written all over her face. "Dean, what was that?"

Rage wells up in him white and hot, and then he's ripping his arm out of his girlfriend's grasp, rounding on her like a wild, wounded animal. "What was  _that_!? I don't know, Anna, you tell me! What the fuck was that!?"

Anna doesn't cower in the face of his wrath, instead she stares up at him, blue eyes like steel as her own anger swells up. "Dean Winchester," her voice is cold and hard, and this suddenly isn't the Anna he knows. This is a whole different Anna, someone strong and fierce, where his Anna has always been soft and collected. "You will under no circumstances speak to me like that." He opens his mouth to protest, apologize, say anything, but she cuts him off. "I don't know what the hell just got into you, but it's unacceptable. You really think you can just go around talking to strangers that way? Talking to  _your friends_ that way? Charlie and Castiel were about in tears." She never once raises her voice, but he would almost prefer she had, the ice of her tone is far worse than angry shouting could ever be. It's enough to cool him off, to make him start actually taking in what happened.

Dean hangs his head in shame. Meekly, he says, "I just don't get why he'd lie to me."

"That I don't know. You'll have to ask him yourself." Her voice is soft as she answers, hand going to rest on his forearm.

* * *

He never returns to the lunch room. In fact, he doesn't approach anyone at all. It's Charlie who comes up to him at the end of the day as he's at his locker.

"So you done hating everyone?" she asks, and he about jumps out of his skin because she did that thing where she kind of just  _appears_ , face hovering near his after he closes his locker (he's pretty sure Cas taught her when they were kids because he swears she wasn't always this sneaky).

"I don't hate anyone," he grumbles, shouldering his backpack and heading to the parking lot.

"Yeah, right, because that was an outburst of love earlier," Charlie says sardonically, following closely at his heels.

Dean sighs in exhaustion. "What do you want me to say, Charlie? That my feelings were fucking hurt and I blew up? Well there, I said it."

Charlie whistles lowly before tsking, "Touchy!"

They reach the Impala, and he throws his bag in the backseat before turning to face his best friend. "Look, was there something you wanted? I need to go pick up Sam."

Charlie frowns, and Dean immediately feels like crap again.

"I was just trying to see how you were," she mumbles, eyes downcast.

Dean sighs again, eyes casting up to the sky before returning to look at Charlie. "Look, I'm sorry I've been such an ass. Would you like to come over?"

She smiles brightly. "Yup!"

As she's trotting around to the passenger side of the car, Dean calls after her, "Not in the front seat! That's Sammy's spot, and you know it!"

"Aw maaaan," she whines, and it brings a genuine smile to his face for the first time that day.

* * *

"So legit, what's up with you?" Charlie asks when they're sitting in Dean's room, stuffing potato chips into her mouth.

"Nothing, I'm peachy keen," is his response, immediately followed by a sharp, "Ow! What the hell was that for!?" as Charlie slaps him across his shoulder. It didn't  _really_  hurt, but it's the principle of the matter!

"Don't you lie to me, Dean Winchester!"

"I'm not lying!"

Charlie rolls her eyes. "Right, of course, do forgive me. I forget shouting at your friends in the middle of the cafeteria and then storming off is the thing you do when you're  _happy_."

He scowls. "What do you want me to say, huh?"

"How about that something is bothering you? Is it really that hard?" she asks in exasperation.

Dean groans in his own exasperation, raking his fingers through his hair as he throws himself back against his bed. "I don't know, okay!?"

Charlie regards him skeptically. "Does it by chance have something to do with a certain blue-eyed, dark-haired, genius boy?"

"No! ...Yes... Maybe... I don't know, Charlie!"

Her expression turns pitying. "Dean, it's okay to be upset that you guys are fighting, you know. You've been best friends since we were four, and I can probably count on one hand the number of fights you guys have been in since then."

His arms flop down beside him as he stares miserably up at the ceiling, feeling completely and utterly lost. "But that's the thing, Charlie. We aren't even fighting. We're just... not talking. I don't get it. I mean... I know I screwed up this summer, but fuck, Charlie! Why didn't he call me out on it?"

"I told you, he wants to see you and Anna happy."

"Bull shit! I don't buy that! Something's up with him, I know it. This isn't like him."

"Does this have something to do with a certain new student that showed up during lunch today?"

Dean narrows his eyes at her. "What is that supposed to mean?"

She shrugs. "I'm just saying that you kind of lost it when you found out he and Cas were talking, that's all."

"He fucking lied to me, Charlie!"

Charlie holds her hand up in a placating manner. "No, I know that, and that was super lame of him. But... are you mad because he lied to you about being sick this weekend or..." She trails off meaningfully, and Dean just stares at her suspiciously.

"Or what?" he challenges.

Charlie frowns. "Or are you mad that he never told you he batted for the other team?"

Dean full on glares at her. "I'm not a fucking homophobe, Charlie."

She waves her arms back and forth violently in a nixing manner. "No, no, I'm not saying that. I know you aren't, but... I'm just saying... maybe you're feeling hurt because he kept that from you?"

He holds up his glare a moment longer before he finally deflates back against his bed. "Why wouldn't he tell me that, Charlie?"

She frowns in sympathy, sidling up next to him, shoulders brushing. "He didn't tell any of us. Maybe he didn't know?"

Dean blinks up at the ceiling, staring up sightlessly. "Maybe..."

Silence falls between them for a few beats before, softly, Charlie says, "You should talk to him, you know."

Dean bristles. "Why should  _I_  talk to  _him_? He's the one that lied."

Charlie gives a minute shrug. "I know, but... he thinks you hate him, Dean."

He feels so tired, staring at the ceiling of his room as though it holds all the answers to the universe. Or maybe he just wishes it held the answers to this situation. He doesn't know how things got this bad, and he doesn't really know how to fix them. He doesn't get why Cas would lie or omit things. Aren't they best friends? Aren't they brothers? It drains him to think about too much because he doesn't know if he knows the right answers anymore. But Charlie is right- they do need to talk.

His lips turn up in a small, melancholic smile. "Ya know, for being so smart, Cas sure is an idiot sometimes."

Charlie just smiles in return and bumps her shoulder softly against his.

* * *

Dean gets to school early the next day, hoping to catch Castiel before class starts. They may not be able to hash out their problems in that time, but maybe they can talk enough to get the ball rolling and not make lunch awkward as hell.

Of course, despite it only being the second day of school, Cas is sitting in the library and studying. Dean really doesn't know how Cas and Anna do it, but then again, that's probably why they're top of the class, and he's squarely in the middle.

Dean slides into the seat across from Cas, who seems completely oblivious to the world around him. Only when Dean places a hand over the guy's papers does he startle and look up. Castiel inhales sharply, not quite a gasp, but definitely an expression of surprise.

Dean offers a shaky smile, suddenly really wishing he'd had the foresight to plan something out. Fuck, he needed damn notecards for something like this, which only made him feel worse. This was his best friend sitting across from him, and he had no clue how to even start a conversation.

Castiel squints at him, a pensive expression, and Dean feels the bottom of his stomach fall out.

"This is the library, Dean," Castiel whispers, and Dean is torn between wanting to punch Cas because  _he fucking knows it's the library_  and wanting to cry because  _of course Cas doesn't want to hear it_.

Dean swallows the lump in his throat and pushes back from the table. "Right. Well, my bad. I'll leave you alone then." He does a pretty fantastic job of keeping the emotion out of his voice, if he does say so himself.

"Wait!" Cas calls, and Dean about jumps out of his skin at the volume of his friend's voice versus the relative silence of the library. Castiel obviously noticed it too if the blush staining his cheeks is anything to go by. Dean raises an eyebrow, a silent gesture of  _go on_.

Cas clears his throat, glancing down at his papers and then back up at Dean, the red on his cheeks not abating. "I just... I just mean... Give me a minute to gather my things, and then we can talk outside?" He stares up at Dean, blue eyes wide and questioning and so unsure, just like Dean himself feels. It gives him hope.

This time, when he smiles at Cas, it isn't quite as shaky. "Yeah, sounds good. I'll wait just outside the door."

Castiel smiles, as well, offering a small nod in agreement before Dean walks out of the library, hands stuffed in his pockets and feeling about ten pounds lighter already.

When Castiel comes out of the library not two minutes later, Dean smiles brightly at him, can't help it, he's so relieved. A part of him had been worried Cas might blow him off, go hide in some other corner of the library.

When Cas sees him, he looks like he might cry, eyes all shiny and watery. "I thought... I thought you hated me," he croaks out, "and I wouldn't have blamed you if you did."

If that isn't an arrow straight through Dean's heart, he doesn't know what is. "Dude, no! No way! I don't hate you. Besides, we uh... We both kind of fucked up." He rubs the back of his neck, feeling completely like he's floundering in foreign waters. He's never been the best at the apology thing.

"I'm so sorry for lying to you, Dean,"Castiel says so earnestly, Dean could never think he means the apology any less than 200%.

"And I'm sorry that I blew you off over the summer. I really had no clue. I was an idiot. You need to start calling me on this shit, man. Don't let me get away with crap like that."

Cas nods, smile finally starting to look more parts genuine than nerves. "I will."

They fall into silence, but for once it isn't awkward. Dean feels a warmth in his chest to finally offset the cold loneliness that had settled there late Friday night and remained until just moments ago.

Scuffing the toe of his shoe against the linoleum floor, Castiel finally breaks the silence. "I should probably get back to studying."

Dean blinks, startled out of silence. "Oh! Yeah! Definitely. Go study."

Cas turns to go back into the library, but then stops to look at Dean over his shoulder. His smile sends Dean's heart to skipping beats. "Thank you for coming to talk to me this morning. I hated that we weren't talking."

Dean feels his face heat up, and a kind of dopey smile spreads across his face. "Yeah, same."

Castiel turns back to walk into the library, but Dean's call of, "Hey, Cas!" has him stopping and turning around one more time.

"Yes, Dean?"

"Wanna come hang out after school? Make up for some lost time."

Castiel's smile is brilliant, reaching up and turning on a light in his eyes. "Definitely."

Dean stands there staring after Cas for untold moments before he shakes himself out of his daze and heads to the cafeteria. Maybe someone else he knows came in early too.

* * *

"You seem in a better mood today," Charlie says as she plops down in the seat next to Dean during first period.

Dean can't stop the triumphant grin from spreading over his face. "Sure am!"

Charlie is smiling back knowingly. "Talked to Cas, I take it?"

He nods. "Yep. We're all good. Hanging out this afternoon and everything."

"See!" Charlie exclaims happily, delivering a friendly punch to his arm. "I told you it would all work out."

Dean's smile turns slightly shy as he meets Charlie's eyes. "Thanks. I don't think you realize how much you keep us all together."

Charlie's blush clashes adorably with her hair as she sticks her nose up in the air. "Well, someone has to keep you guys in line. God knows what you'd do without me."

"Fall apart," Dean offers, tone light and joking.

"At the least," Charlie responds primly. When her blush finally fades, she looks back over at Dean, wearing a slightly concerned, slightly serious expression. "Did you guys talk about Balthazar at all?"

He looks back at her in confusion. "No?"

She frowns. "Well... That's okay, I guess?"

Dean lifts his brow speculatively. "You guess?"

"I just... I mean, I kind of thought it might come up?"

"Why would it come up?" Dean's tone is challenging, bordering on confrontational.

Charlie makes a sad attempt at a casual shrug. "Just... I don't know. Considering how lunch went yesterday, I thought maybe it would come up?"

"I wasn't mad about  _Balthazar_ , Charlie. I was mad that he lied," Dean responds through gritted teeth, all but spitting out the other boys name as though it leaves a foul taste in his mouth.

"If you say so," Charlie says, giving Dean a look and using a tone that indicates she really doesn't believe he means it.

"I say so," Dean grumbles back, slouching a little lower in his seat in an act of juvenile petulance. After all, he really wasn't mad about Balthazar. That doesn't mean he has to like the guy though.

* * *

The rest of the day goes well, other than a minor hiccup during lunch where Dean had to bite his tongue lest he say something rude to Balthazar. Something about the way the guy just sauntered up, say next to Cas, and wrapped his arm around him made Dean's blood boil. Obviously, it was best friend instinct. Balthazar wasn't right for Cas, and it bothered Dean that his best friend didn't see he deserved better. Still, he made it through, and now he found himself in the parking lot, waiting on Cas.

When he finally shows up, Dean goes around to the driver's side. "Way to keep a guy waiting," he jokes.

"Sorry, sorry, had to get the homework for Calculas," Castiel puffs, sliding into the passenger side.

"You damn smart kids and your crazy homework on the second day," Dean chides, wry smile on his face.

"Hey, we don't ask for it," Castiel counters in a reasonable tone.

"I don't know about that. You're the ones crazy enough to sign up for AP courses, after all," Dean says with a shrug and a smirk, watching Cas out of the corner of his eye.

"Shut up and drive, Winchester," Castiel grouses, but Dean can see the shadow of a smile on his face.

"Aye, aye," Dean laughs.

He turns up the music and they drive the rest of the way to Sam's school without a word spoken between them.

"You guys are gonna go deaf, you know that?" is Sam's greeting as he gets into the car.

"Yeah, yeah," Dean grumbles, but he turns down the music all the same.

Leaning up and bracing his arms on the backs of the front seats, Sam grins at Dean and Castiel. "Hey Cas! I haven't seen you in awhile!"

Castiel smiles warmly back. "It's good to see you too, Sam. It looks like you've grown a little?"

"Yep! Hit a growth spurt over the summer!" Sam is beaming as he say it, expression as happy as a puppy with a wagging tail.

Castiel turns to Dean. "Look out, Dean, pretty soon he'll be taller than you."

Dean scoffs. "Yeah right. Don't go giving him delusions of grandeur, Cas." He knows Cas is right now. Sam is already taller than Dean was at that age.

Dean zones into watching the road in front of him as his brother and best friend fall into conversation, and everything finally just feels  _right_


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why don't you also plan on an actual date?"
> 
> Castiel stalls his movements, looking back up at Balthazar. "What?"
> 
> Balthazar is still smiling charmingly, staring at Cas in a way that makes the other boy's blush deepen. "I'm asking you on a date, Cassie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thanks to my beta, [pharoqueen](archiveofourown.org/users/pharoqueen)!

That evening when Castiel gets home and finally checks his phone, he has a text from Balthazar.

_"hope u had fun with your friend beautiful"_

It brings a smile to his face, and as he types out  _"i did. I'm glad he and I worked it out"_  he thinks maybe this can all work out, after all.

* * *

Friday comes quickly, the first week of school finally on its last day, and Cas couldn't be more grateful. Even barring the excessive amounts of personal drama, school itself has been exhausting. All the AP classes are already starting to wear on him just a week in, and Cas finds himself hoping he'll even manage to graduate at all. He should probably see if Anna wants to get together soon and study.

"Good morning, beautiful," a lilting voice says, and Cas can't help the smile or the blush that rise up on his face as he turns from the books in his locker to face Balthazar.

"Good morning, Balthazar."

Balthazar shoots him a winning grin, leaning casually against the locker next to Castiel's. "So, what are your plans this weekend?"

Castiel shrugs, reaching for his English book. "Besides homework? Nothing. Was going to see if Anna wanted to study together at some point."

"Ah, yes, a study date. Why don't you also plan on an actual date?"

Castiel stalls his movements, looking back up at Balthazar. "What?"

Balthazar is still smiling charmingly, staring at Cas in a way that makes the other boy's blush deepen. "I'm asking you on a date, Cassie."

"Oh..."

Balthazar's smile falls. "'Oh?' That's it?"

Castiel flounders for words. "I just... I mean..."

Balthazar's brow creases. "I'm sorry, I thought we had something. Perhaps I shouldn't have assumed."

"No!" Cas blushes even more, which he didn't even think was possible, as his volume makes Balthazar jump and draws the attention of a couple of other people at near by lockers. "No... We are, you just took me by surprise, is all."

The smile returns to Balthazar's face. "So is that a yes, then?"

Cas gives a small, almost bashful nod. "It's a yes."

"Great! Tomorrow work for you?"

"It does."

"Then we'll work out the details this afternoon." Balthazar pushes off the locker and places a kiss to Cas's cheek. "I'll see you at lunch."

Cas can't even bring himself to care that people are staring as he watches Balthazar walk off.

* * *

"Good morning, Anna!" Castiel greets cheerfully as he slides into his seat.

Anna raises an amused eyebrow. "Well someone's in a good mood this morning."

He can't keep the smile off his face as he says, "I really, really am. Life is good."

She rests her chin on her hand. "Is it now?"

He nods. "Dean and I are on good terms once more, it's Friday, and I have a date this weekend."

Anna's eyes widen slightly, a smile playing on her own lips. "Really? So you and Balthazar are officially going out?"

"We are."

Anna leans back in her seat. "Well I'm happy for you. You deserve it."

He directs a shy smile at his desk. "Thank you, Anna."

"So your hot date mean you'll be too busy to get some studying done this weekend?" she asks.

"I thought you'd never ask," he answers.

* * *

"We should do something this weekend!" Charlie announces at lunch.

Everyone looks at her with differing shades of expectancy.

"I'm just saying, it's been a really long time since we all hung out, you know? And Lisa's party  _so_  does not count, considering Cas and Dean both left early." She shoots her aforementioned friends dirty looks.

"I'd like that, only, uh..." Cas trails off.

"Only...?" Charlie prompts

He averts his eyes, cheeks turning pink. "Only it would have to be tonight."

Dean raises an eyebrow. "Cas, I know you're busy and all, but come on, you can take a break from studying long enough to hang with your friends."

"Don't be such a neanderthal," Balthazar butts in, wrapping an arm around Cas, whose blush spreads all the way up to his ears. "Castiel and I have a date tomorrow."

Charlie  _oooooo_ 's in approval, while Dean clenches his jaw.

Castiel nods. "Yes, and Anna and I are spending Sunday studying."

"Well, that's fine then, we'll make it tonight!" Charlie says.

"I have family bonding night," Anna says apologetically.

"Same," says Dorothy. "Dad's coming into town from his book tour tonight. We're having this big welcome home dinner for him."

"Alas, I have plans as well," says Balthazar, who then glances at Dean. "Though I think I would probably be the odd one out as the only significant other."

Charlie huffs out a pout. "Dean Winchester, I swear to God that if you tell me you're busy tonight, I will make your life hell, and I'll recruit Sam to help for when I'm not around."

"I'm not busy, geeze."

"Good!" Charlie chirps. "Then it'll just be the three of us, just like old times. We'll all meet at your car?"

Dean nods. "Sounds good to me."

"Charlie," Anna begins, "If you're interested, and if you and Dorothy are free tomorrow, maybe you two, Dean, and I could all go on a double date while Balthazar and Cas enjoy their first?"

Charlie makes puppy eyes at her girlfriend.

Dorothy shrugs. "Sounds good to me."

"Don't I get a say in this?" Dean asks.

"Don't you want to see me this weekend?" Anna simpers playfully.

Dean heaves a put-upon sign. "Fiiiine. I guess that works."

"Awesome!" Charlie exclaims.

* * *

"I thought that was Sam's seat," Charlie huffs from the back of the car.

Dean glances back at her in the rear-view mirror. "What?"

"The front passenger side! Every time I try to sit there, you tell me it's Sam's spot. Yet there Cas is, up front with you."

Cas looks at Dean expectantly, knowing Charlie is doing the same. He can actually see the gears in his friend's head turning, trying to come up with a logical excuse.

Finally, Dean says, "Driver picks the seating arrangement, backseat shuts her cakehole."

He turns up the music as Charlie slumps in the backseat and Cas shoots her a pitying (though no less smug) look.

* * *

Luke Skywalker has just been saved by old Ben Kenobi when Dean pauses the movie, Charlie and Cas looking up from their whispers and snickering like kids caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

"You guys want to share with the class?"

Charlie and Cas exchange another quick look before Charlie says, aiming for casual, "Was just asking Cas what he and Balthazar are planning to do tomorrow."

Cas feels his stomach start to tie itself into anxious knots, waiting for Dean's response, but before his friend can say anything, Sam pops up and splays himself over the back of the couch.

"Who's Balthazar?" he asks.

"Cas's new boyfriend," Charlie singsongs in response.

Sam pulls a skeptical face, turning to look at Cas. "You're gay?"

Cas bites his lip, the knots growing tighter. He loves Sam like a brother and doesn't want this to negatively impact their relationship. It may all be pointless worrying; after all, Sam has never treated Charlie any differently, but this is different. Castiel isn't a woman, after all.

He swallows around the lump in his throat and nods mutely.

Sam regards him for a moment more before breaking out into an adorable grin. "That's awesome! Congrats, man!"

Castiel feels relief wash through him. "Thank you, Sam."

Sam's expression turns deadly serious just as quickly as it had become ecstatic, which throws Cas for a moment, until the kid says, "He better treat you right, though, otherwise he'll have to face some Winchester wrath." A sudden laugh that's the product of too many nerves and relief rips out of him, which has Sam grinning again.

"Hey! Don't forget Bradbury wrath!" Charlie says, wrapping an arm around Cas's shoulders and ruffling his hair.

And Cas just can't stop laughing.

"What's so funny?" Mary asks as she walks in the room, just getting home from work.

"We're gonna kick Cas's boyfriend's ass if he messes with him," Sam answers.

Mary scowls at her son. "Sam, watch your language." She then turns a kind smile on Castiel. "Congratulations, dear. Sam's right, though, he better watch his step." She winks.

Castiel manages to calm his laughter enough to say, "Thank you, Mary."

"Any time, sweetie. Now, are you and Charlie staying the night?"

"I'll ask my mom!" Charlie exclaims enthusiastically, jumping over the back of the couch to go make a call to her mother.

"I'm sure Grandmother won't mind, but I'll call and let her know," Cas answers, exiting the room at a much more sedate pace than Charlie.

* * *

Later that night, the three of them are sprawled all across Dean's room, lights turned off so that they can at least give the illusion they're trying to go to sleep.

"Charlie, stop it!" Cas complains gruffly.

"I'm not doing anything!" she protests.

Silence holds for a minute before, "Dean, I swear to god if you don't get your foot off my crotch..."

"It isn't me, man."

Castiel stealthily reaches under his blankets and pinches the top of the foot that is currently lewdly rubbing against him.

The foot it quickly withdrawn "Ow! Shit, Cas! What the hell!"

"You're an awful liar, Dean."

Charlie just snickers.

Silence falls again, and just as Cas is about to fall asleep, his phone lights up and starts vibrating.

"Who the hell is calling you this late?" Dean gripes.

Cas checks his phone and his heart flutters in his chest as he sees Balthazar's name light up on the screen. He'd almost completely forgotten that he'd never heard from his- could he even really call Balthazar his boyfriend? They hadn't really discussed it.

He quickly hits  _Accept_  and answers, "Hold on just a second," disentangling himself from the cocoon of blankets on the floor and rushing out of the room, Charlie's tittering singsong of, "Is that your boyfriend?" following him down the hall.

When he steps out onto the front porch, the door shut behind him, he finally lifts the phone back up to his ear. "Sorry about that. It ended up turning into a sleep over."

The sound of Balthazar's chuckling in Cas's ear makes a warm flush go through his whole body, settling in the pit of his stomach. "Not a problem. I should be the one apologizing, anyway."

"It's okay, really," Castiel promises, taking a seat on the porch swing, starting to rock slowly back and forth.

"If you say so, beautiful. Now, about tomorrow, I was thinking we hit up that nature center, that sound good to you?"

A smile spreads across Castiel's face, unbidden, as he's completely unable to contain his excitement. "Yes. Yes, that sounds great."

"Wonderful." Maybe it's just wishful thinking or transference, but Cas is fairly certain he can hear the smile in Balthazar's voice from across the line.

They fall into silence, and it makes Castiel antsy. Not the bad kind of antsy, like he wishes someone would do something, but the excited kind of antsy that comes from wanting to do something himself.

Finally, he says, "I want to ask about your day, but I'm afraid that then we won't have anything to talk about tomorrow."

Balthazar chuckles warmly. "Then I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. Go enjoy your sleep over, and I'll pick you up at eleven tomorrow."

"Alright." There's an almost awkward pause where Cas isn't exactly sure how to say goodbye.

Balthazar solves the problem for him by finally saying, "Good night, Cassie."

"Good night," says Cas before finally hanging up the phone.

He sits for a few more moments, enjoying the quiet of the night, wondering how he's ever going to get to sleep with all the butterflies that have now made a home in his stomach flying around.. He allows himself one more completely dopey grin before going back in.

The house is silent as he creeps back up to Dean's room, which is completely silent, as well.

Which is why he about jumps out of his skin when Dean whispers, "Charlie fell asleep. Was about to come check on you."

"Sorry," Cas whispers back.

"S'cool."

The room falls back into silence, and Cas is almost certain Dean is asleep until he hears his best friend ask, "You really like him, huh?"

Cas smiles to himself in the dark, curling into the blankets and pillows. "Yeah," he answers, "I think I really do."

 


	6. Chapter 6

As soon as the door closes behind Cas, Charlie's teasing ends as well. The silence that falls is tense, and for the life of him, Dean can't figure out why.

"So," Charlie says tentatively, obviously picking her words with care, "how're you doing with all this, Dean?"

He hates it, but since there's really not a good reason for that, Dean plays dumb. "What're you talking about, Charlie?"

He regrets the decision as soon as the pillow comes over the edge of the bed and slaps him in the face. "Don't play dumb with me, Winchester!" Charlie admonishes.

Dean scrambles up and throws the pillow in his lap. "What the hell!" He sees Charlie brandishing the pillow from Cas's pallet and holds his hands up in surrender. "Uncle! Uncle, okay!?"

Charlie watches him speculatively, slowly lowering the pillow. They have a brief staring match before Dean sighs in defeat, rubbing at his face tiredly.

"I don't like it, okay? I don't like  _him_ ," Dean growls. "Cas deserves better."

Charlie sighs. "Dean, you don't even know Balthazar."

"Neither do you!" he spits back.

"True, but at least I'm giving him a chance."

"Well that's your choice. I don't see why I should have to do the same," he grumbles petulantly.

"Because Cas is your friend, and he's happy. He at least deserves you not standing in the way of that."

"'M not standing in the way," Dean mumbles, and even he knows just how childish he sounds.

"Dean, you know what's right and what's wrong here, so it's up to you whether you're going to be an ass about it or not," Charlie says, and Dean can hear the disappointment in her tone. "Now I'm going to sleep. You do what you want."

"'Course I can. It's my damn house," Dean grumbles in one last ditch attempt to... To what? Prove he's right, even when he knows he's wrong?

As Charlie's breathing evens out, guilt claws up Dean's insides. Is he still being a shitty friend? The thought makes him want to hit something! It seems like no matter what he does, he keeps hurting Cas. Well, not anymore! Dean vows to himself that he's going to do everything in his power to be the supportive best friend Cas deserves. Besides, it's their last year together before they're off to college. Does Dean really want to waste it in a string of pretty fights? The answer is of course not, yet Dean still can't get over this feeling. He's about resolved to go and get Cas so they can talk this out when the door opens again, and Cas silently makes his way across the room to his blanket pile. Something twists in Dean's gut, making him feel sick. Is Cas really happy? Does he really like that sleaze bag?

He screws up his courage and whispers into the darkness, "Charlie fell asleep. Was about to come check on you."

"Sorry," Cas replies quietly, and shit! Cas doesn't need to apologize.

"S'cool." Dean Winchester, ladies and gentleman, douchebag extraordinaire, making best friends feel guilty for their relationships since 2009!

Dean screws his eyes shut, wishing desperately he could fall asleep, if only the guilt would leave him alone long enough. Even if he doesn't think he wants to know the answer, doesn't want Charlie to have proved him wrong, he has to know. For Cas's sake.

He summons up the courage to ask, "You really like him, huh?"

He can hear the damn smile when Castiel responds, "I think I really do."

Dean steadfastly ignores how his stomach sinks with that admission and thinks  _that decides it_. Dean's just going to have to ignore his hangups about Balthazar and support Cas. After all, that's what best friends do.

The next morning, it's like nothing ever happened. They're all back to joking and hanging out like they always have, not an issue between them. They get up and have a stupidly-early-for-a-Saturday breakfast before Charlie heads off down the street to her house and Dean drives Cas home.

When the Impala pulls up in front of Cas's house, Dean slides her into park and turns to look Castiel in the face.

"Cas, I hope you have fun today," he says with as much sincerity as he can muster, which is a surprisingly large amount. Even if he's not fond of the company Cas will be keeping, Dean really does want him to have a good time.

Cas stares at him in confusion for a moment, brow pinched together and head tilted to the side. Finally, he offers a small smile and says, "Thank you, Dean. I hope so as well. And same to you and the others. Perhaps next time Balthazar and I will be able to join you all."

Dean ignores the way his stomach churns acidicly at the thought that there will be a next date for Cas and Balthazar and, instead, says, "If you need anything, don't hesitate to call me, okay? I'll come and get you as fast as I can."

An odd sort of amusement flickers across Castiel's face, and he laughs softly. "Okay, Dean, I will. Thank you."

Dean offers a strained smile in return. "Any time, Cas."

Dean watches as Cas slides out of the car and heads to the door, driving off only once Cas is inside. He pushes aside the feeling of being sick, wondering if it was something he ate. The only way he avoids hoping the sausage this morning was bad enough to ruin Cas's date is by reminding himself that he has his own in a few hours.

The whole way through the double date, Dean is habitually checking his phone, and every time he does, there are no missed calls or messages. He tries to tell himself that he's glad and that it's a good thing. After all, that means they're having a good time right? Dean's happy for them. Now, if only that didn't sound so sarcastic every time he tells himself that.

On the other hand, no contact could mean that something  _has_  happened, that Balthazar has kidnapped or hurt Cas in someway. When these thoughts cross his mind, he can't help excusing himself to run to the bathroom and call Cas. Every time, he just ends up staring at his phone long enough to talk himself out of it and returns to the group feeling like an idiot. He said he was going to give the guy a chance, didn't he? Cas deserves that much from Dean.

The whole situation gets so bad that at one point during dinner, Charlie kicks him in the shin under the table. It hurts like a bitch and is enough to make Dean put his phone away for the remainder of the night.

It isn't until Dean and Anna are alone, Charlie and Dorothy having run off to be left to their own devices, that Anna brings it up. Honestly, Dean's kind of shocked it took this long. He's been a horrible date, and he knows it.

"Pull over," she instructs. He winces, but does as she says. He puts the car in park and turns to face her. She's studying him with concern. "What's up with you today?"

He scratches the back of his neck, a nervous tick, and as soon as he does it, he knows he's screwed. Still, he plows on, not quite making eye contact. "It's nothing, Anna."

"Bull!" she proclaims and exits the car, making a show of slamming the door. Dean would yell at her for it if she wasn't justified.

He scrambles out of the car and shouts, "Anna, wait!"

She doesn't stop walking, doesn't even look at him as she calls back, "Screw you, Dean Winchester!"

"Damn it!" Dean quickly leans into the car to turn the key and pull it out. "Anna, come on!"

He catches up to her easily and places a hand on her shoulder. When she turns around and glares at him like she wants to set him on fire, he immediately pulls back.

"No! I won't wait!"

"What are you going to do!? Walk half way across town!?" he yells back.

"Maybe I will!" She turns back around and starts walking again.

"What the hell did I do!?"

She spins around and stalks towards him, jabbing a finger into his chest hard enough to bruise. "I knew you had a reputation! I knew what everyone said, but Castiel assured me you were a good guy! Joke's on me, I guess!" Angry tears fill her eyes and spill over in ugly rivulets.

Dean holds his hands up in a placating manner. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you talking about!?"

"Your phone, Dean! Just who were you talking to all day, huh!? Who is she!?"

Dean tries so hard not laugh, knowing it won't help his case. He fails all the same.

"Screw you, Dean!" Anna yells in the face of his amusement.

He wraps his arms around her. "Wait, Baby, wait. Hang on."

"Let go of me!" she cries, struggling against his hold on her.

He steps back, laughter subsiding. "Anna, I was trying to see if Cas was calling."

Anna narrows her eyes suspiciously. "You really expect for me to believe that?"

"You can ask him yourself," Dean promises with a comforting smile. "I was worried about him going that date with Balthajerk and told him to call me if he needed anything."

Anna's aggravation melts away into disbelief as she blinks at him. "Wait... you're serious?"

Dean's smile turns sheepish. "Yeah. Guess I'm just being kind of over-protective, huh?"

Anna cracks a smile, and while it's small, it's a start. "Well, we always knew that."

Dean wraps her up in another hug, and this time she leans into it instead of fighting it. "We good?" he asks.

She nods against his chest. "Yeah, we're good. Sorry for acting like such an idiot."

Dean pulls back enough to look her in the eyes. "Hey, no, don't apologize. I was acting fishy, I get that. But I hope you know I would never cheat on you. I really, really like you, Anna."

Anna's smile is shaky, at best, but Dean'll take it. As she playfully cuffs him on the shoulder, she says, "I guess I really, really kind of like you, too."

Dean kisses her softly before pulling back with a dopey grin and saying, "Good. Now let's get back to the car, okay?" When Anna nods her agreement, Dean slips his fingers through hers and leads her back.

Once they're all settled, Anna places a reassuring hand on his knee and says, "Hey, you know Balthazar is harmless, right? He's a good guy. Castiel will be okay."

Dean rolls his eyes. "That's what everyone keeps telling me."

He can't help thinking,  _But if that's true, why do I have such a bad feeling about this?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on tumblr at [kanoitrace](http://kanoitrace.tumblr.com).


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At eleven sharp, Balthazar pulls up in his flashy Audi convertible. Even Cas, who knows next to nothing about cars beyond what Dean has impressed upon him in passionate fits of pique, can tell the car is expensive and impressive. He also knows Dean would hate it, finding it too new and too perfect with not enough character.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've had the edits back from my beta for probably a week now, but real life had a way of continually catching up to me. However, here we go!

Morning comes far more quickly than Castiel expects it to, especially considering he spends all night tossing and turning, far too amped up with excitement and nerves to get any proper kind of sleep. Even as Cas, Dean, and Charlie all convene around the center island of the Winchesters' kitchen, joking and laughing as they make a general mess in the process of cooking and eating breakfast, he isn't able to quell his jitters. He finds himself wondering if dating is supposed to make you this nauseated. He's pretty sure he's never seen Dean or Charlie turn green before a date (barring, of course, that time Charlie ate those bad oysters at the country club Gilda's parents were members of).

By the time Dean pulls up in front of Castiel's house to drop him off, Cas feels set to vibrate out of his own skin. Somehow though, it all stops the moment Cas turns to Dean to say goodbye. There's something so serious in the other boy's expression as he tells Cas he hopes he has a good time, and it leaves Castiel grasping at straws, somehow feeling both comforted that his friend finally seems to be making an effort about all this, as well as scared at just what the depth of such an expression means. It all leaves the air in the car feeling charged.

Instead of commenting on any of that, Cas settles on, "Thank you, Dean," and wishing the same to him.

When Dean so seriously says, "If you need anything, don't hesitate to call me, okay? I'll come and get you as fast as I can," it's like a helium balloon carries away all the stress and strain between them, because this? This is normal. This is Dean protecting Castiel from playground bullies and coming to the rescue every time Castiel's parents visit on one of their clandestine trips that only ever end in heartache. Finally,  _finally_ , Castiel can see that they are going to be okay.

He assures Dean he will, which seems to please him, before exiting the car. As he always has, Dean waits until Cas is inside before driving off. When Cas closes the door behind him, he's sporting a huge grin.

"You seem pleased," his grandmother comments from the doorway that leads into the kitchen.

Cas turns to fully face her, a levity in his heart that he hasn't felt in months. "I think everything is going to be okay," he tells her.

Grace smiles warmly at him, something like pride and relief in her eyes. "I'm so glad."

* * *

At eleven sharp, Balthazar pulls up in his flashy Audi convertible. Even Cas, who knows next to nothing about cars beyond what Dean has impressed upon him in passionate fits of pique, can tell the car is expensive and impressive. He also knows Dean would hate it, finding it too new and too perfect with not enough character. To Castiel, it doesn't really matter either way, so he doesn't even really know why he's thinking about it when he's always just seen cars as a way to get from point A to point B.

They drive to the nature center with the top down, and Cas immediately forgets any hangups Dean may have about the car at the freeing feeling of the wind whipping through his hair.  _This must be what flying feels like_ , he thinks, and he unashamedly says as much to Balthazar. Balthazar laughs, calling Cas adorable, and twines his hand into Cas's. Cas can't help the blush that spreads across his cheeks and the giddy way his heart speeds up.

It's a beautiful day to be at Lawrence's nature center, and as Cas passionately explains about all the different kinds of wildlife exhibits they encounter, Balthazar attentively soaks it all up. They hold hands as they walk about, and Castiel is amazed yet again at how easy it is to be himself around Balthazar.

The day passes in a blur of touching and smiling and talking, even as they extend the date to include dinner, and after that to include frozen yogurt. However, it does eventually have to come to an end, and when Balthazar drops Cas off at home, he even walks him to the door.

"Did you have a good time?" Balthazar asks softly. The soft glow of the porch light seems to cast a halo around his head.

Cas nods, not looking away from Balthazar's blue eyes. "I did."

Balthazar grins. "I'm glad." When he brushes his knuckles against Castiel's cheek before cupping Cas's jaw, a pleasant shiver runs down Cas's spine, erupting chillbumps all across his skin. "I would very much like to kiss you now, if that is okay," Balthazar murmurs, eyes half-lidded as they dart between Cas's eyes and his mouth.

Cas twines a hand around the back of Balthazar's neck, responding, "Then do it."

It's a soft kiss, pleasing in ways other kisses in Castiel's life have not been, probably in large part to do with the fact that they're both sober. It stays chaste, and far sooner than Cas cares for, Baalthazar is pulling away and bidding him a good night. Like a lovesick puppy, Cas stands on the porch and watches him pull away, already knowing it's going to be another sleepless night.

Far too giddy to even bother pretending bed is an option, Cas sits down on the steps leading up the porch and pulls out his phone. He's sure Charlie is dying to know all the details, and he's honestly dying to tell her about them.

* * *

Anna and Cas are seated on the floor of Castiel's bedroom, backs against his bed, with books and notes in well-ordered chaos around them. It's honestly a travesty that there's this much work to already go over.

"You ever think we're insane?" Anna asks, not glancing up from her AP World History notes.

"Every day of our high school careers," Castiel answers, turning a page in his AP Biology book, "especially when we're spending our summers reading  _Beowulf_  while everyone else is outside enjoying themselves and playing kickball."

"No one plays kickball past the fifth grade, Cas."

"See? I'm such a studious shut in, I don't even know that."

Throwing her head back against the bed and covering her face with her notes, Anna groans so loudly in frustration that one might even consider it a shout. "I can't do this anymore," she whines, "I think I've stared at this so long that I've forgotten who built the pyramids!"

Unfazed, Castiel responds, "I believe that would be the Egyptians."

Lowering her papers just low enough to glare at Castiel over them, Anna grouses, "Sometimes I could really kill Dean for teaching you sarcasm. I think I miss the little boy who used to sit in the church pews and didn't know sass from ass."

Cas rolls his eyes, mouth turning up the barest bit at the corners. Finally turning his attention to Anna, he asks, "Do you want to take a break?"

She collapses dramatically against his side. "My knight in shining armor!"

He pats her back placatingly, pondering, "Didn't know sass from ass... Ironic considering that now I love both."

Anna laughs so hard she snorts. When she calms down enough to catch her breath at all, she shoves Cas playfully, scolding, "Oh shut up."

Cas smiles, and she smiles back, the tension from studying finally draining away.

Making a reach for her drink, Anna asks, "So how'd the date go?" Cas gets a dreamy expression on his face, and before he can even answer, she happily muses, "That good, huh?"

Castiel nods. "It's like he gets me. He didn't think anything I had to say was weird, or, at least, not in a displeasing way. I really, really like him, Anna."

Anna's smile is genuine. "I'm so happy for you. You deserve it, you know?"

Cas ducks his head bashfully. "Thank you."

Toying with the cap to her water bottle, she asks tentatively, "Do you think you guys will still be together for homecoming?"

Castiel glances at her out of the corner of his eye. "I hope so. Why?"

"Well, it's senior year, right? I was thinking we could all go together, maybe get a limo?"

Castiel furrows his brow. "Aren't limos typically saved for prom?"

Anna bites her lip nervously, eyes downcast. "I just thought it might be nice to do it when we were all together, you know? We're all in relationships now, and just... I thought it might be nice."

Placing his hand on top of hers, stilling her nervous fiddling with the bottle cap, Cas asks, "Did something happen with you and Dean?"

Anna shakes her head and plasters on a weak excuse for a smile. "No, not really. I just... I don't know... I think he's not that into me."

"Anna -"

Anna shakes her head again, more resolutely this time, and meet's Castiel's gaze. "I know he likes me, but I feel like he only  _thinks_  he wants to date me."

"Anna, Dean is - I don't understand why you think that."

The smile Anna gives him is odd, off in someway or another that Cas can't place but that gives him a feeling like an anvil has just been place on his chest. "I'm pretty sure he likes someone else, Cas."

The anvil drops down into his stomach.

She sighs the sigh of someone who knows there's nothing to be done about it, and so there's no use worrying about it. "Anyway, please don't tell him we talked about this, okay? I don't think he even realizes it yet, and I'm selfish enough to want to hold onto him while I can. Can you forgive me for that?"

Castiel swallows around the sudden lump in his throat and assures her, "I'm not even sure what there is to forgive, but of course I do. And I promise I won't talk to Dean about it."

She gives that off-putting smile once more, squeezing his hand gratefully. "Thank you, Cas."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am completely unrepentant for the Balthazar/Cas fluff! It is adorable! And while I didn't mean to make them so adorable, I'm glad Cas is happy! (However, I do promise there will be some actually Destiel soon.)
> 
> Anyway! Why don't you go find me over on [tumblr](http://kanoitrace.tumblr.com). I promise there is less Balstiel there. (Is that the right ship name?)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie sits down beside him and hooks her arm through his. “Hey, what's wrong? Where's Anna?”  
> “She left,” Dean answers miserably. “We broke up.”  
> “What?” Charlie asks in disbelief.  
> “She thinks I'm in love with Cas,” he says, and then adds, “I think she might be right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd. All mistakes are mine.

The rest of August and September fly by Dean in a rush of schoolwork, standardized tests, and hanging out with his friends. Turns out, senior year is actually a thousand times better than he ever would have guess it would be based on how it started out. He even manages to find a way to get along with Balthazar, thanks to Dorothy reminding him that he had once hated her, too. Granted, dealing with Balthazar is still harder than dealing with Dorothy ever was, but he's trying. Besides, Cas seems genuinely happy with the guy, so Dean has no choice but to bite his tongue on the matter, especially since they're all planning on going to homecoming together. Or, that's what he thought the plan was, at least.

"You mean you _seriously_ haven't asked her yet?" Charlie asks in blatant disbelief.

Dean scowls at her. "What are you talking about? She's my girlfriend. It's kind of obvious we're going together."

"But she's also a candidate for homecoming queen," Balthazar reminds him.

"So?" Dean bites out. He manages to hold in the  _Nobody asked you_ that he wants to say.

" _Soooo_ ," Charlie draws out, "that means every guy in school is probably going to ask her if they haven't already." Balthazar clears his throat pointedly, to which Charlie amends, "Okay,  _most_ every guy in school."

Dean rolls his eyes. "Oh, come on. You can't tell me that you and Dorothy actually asked each other."

"She wrote me a poem asking me," Charlie responds primly.

Dean blinks like a fish. "What?" Quickly, he turns his attention to Balthazar, as much as he hates to do it. "And you?"

Balthazar smirks triumphantly. "I have a big date planned for Cassie and myself this weekend. I'm going to ask him then."

Dean looks helplessly between the two of them. "Are you freaking serious?"

They both nod.

"Well, fine," he says. "I'll just ask her when she gets here."

"Dean, you can't just casually ask her at the lunch table," Charlie chides.

Balthazar nods. "She's right. It has to be romantic and thought out."

"You have got to be kidding," Dean groans, burying his face into his hands.

"Kidding about what?" Anna asks as she, Castiel, and Dorothy approach the table and take their seats.

"He forgot to do his econ homework," Charlie lies easily. So easily that it actually scares Dean a little.

Simultaneously, Castiel and Anna both shoot him chiding looks. He decides to the best way to avoid their unnecessary disappointment in him (which he'll totally have to get Charlie back for later) is to redirect their attention. "So how was the student council meeting?"

From there, lunch is spent listening to Dorothy, Castiel, and Anna complain about and reenact every ridiculous and annoying moment of their council meeting. As he acts at listening, Dean is furiously planning the perfect date to take Anna on and ask her to homecoming. After all, she deserves nothing but the best, especially since things have felt oddly strained between them lately.

* * *

That Friday finds Dean sitting on Cas's bed, reading comic books, while Cas researches different colleges online.

Lowering the comic so that he can raise an eyebrow at his best friend, Dean says, "Dude, I seriously can't believe you're being such a nerd right now."

Cas stops what he's doing to level a deadpan stare, first, at the comic in Dean's hands, and then at Dean himself. "You're one to talk about being a nerd."

Dean can't help grinning, feeling slightly giddy in the moment, even if this kind of good natured ribbing is common for them.

Turning back to his computer, Castiel says, "Besides, Anna and I are getting together on Sunday to work on our college essays."

"Isn't that shit not due for months?" Dean asks.

Cas shrugs. "Anna wants to get them in early."

"You do everything Anna tells you?" Dean jokes.

Cas raises his eyebrows. "That, coming from you?"

Dean may blow it off with a laugh and a, "Yeah, yeah," but it doesn't quite set right with him. Actually, nothing about his relationship has set right with him since that night several months ago when they got into a fight on the side of the road. Ever since then, something has seemed different, though Dean can't quite put his finger on what. She hasn't been any clingier, or really any more distant beyond perfectly reasonable excuses, at least not that he can see. Shit, maybe it's all in his head. He's pretty sure no one else has noticed. They haven't brought it up to him if they have.

“Dean!”

He's quickly ripped out of his internal agonizing, and when he looks over to Cas, the guy is staring at him with his forehead scrunched up in concern.

Dean plasters on what he hopes is a reassuring smile and says, “Hey, sorry, what's up?”

Castiel just scrutinizes him harder, and it makes Dean swallow nervously, his stomach doing a flip under the intense attention. “Are you okay?” Cas finally asks.

Dean gives a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. “I'm fine,” he says, to which Cas only frowns harder. Of course the guy sees right through him.

“What's wrong?” Castiel demands. “And don't say nothing.”

Dean sighs, having to admit he's lost this one. Besides, if anyone knows if something is going on with Anna, it'd be Cas, right? “Do you know if something's bothering Anna?”

Cas raises an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

Dean shrugs and then runs his fingers through his hair. “I don't really know. She just... Things seem  _off_ , ya know?” He glances at Cas to see if he gets it, and from the way Cas's shoulders go stiff, Dean thinks just maybe he  _does_ know.

However, all Castiel says is, “She's been stressed out about school lately.”

“Is that really it?” Dean pressures.

Cas's shoulders are still unnaturally stiff when he says, “I wouldn't worry too much about it, Dean.” He misses the disappointed frown that crosses Dean's face when he turns back to his computer. Dean had hoped they were past the lying to each other and keeping secrets thing. He goes back to reading the comic, feeling slightly sick to his stomach.

It's several minutes later when Castiel hesitantly says, “Hey, Dean?”

Not looking up from his comic, Dean responds, “Yeah?”

A few more seconds of silence follow, which has Dean lowering the comic once more to look over the edge of it. Cas is turned in his seat so Dean can see only his profile, but it's enough to see that the guy is fidgeting and biting his lip as his cheeks fill with color. The expression sets something off in Dean, an uncomfortable tightening in his stomach and a sudden shortness of breath. Trying his damnedest to ignore it, he says, “What is it?”

Cas glances demurely at him, seeming uncertain, and it only makes Dean's stomach tighten more. Cas focuses his sight back down to his lap, where his fingers are twisting intricately around each other. Dean suddenly finds himself glad he's across the room from the guy as the stupid urge to take those hands in his and just hold them flashes through him.

Finally, Castiel ask quietly, “How, um... How did you know it was the right time to, uh, to have sex?”

Dean's heart starts beating at double time. “Um... well... I don't... Why?”

Castiel's whole face is red by this point. “I think... I think Balth and I...”

Immediately, Dean demands, “Is he pressuring you?”

Castiel's head snaps up and he fully faces Dean, looking shocked at the question. “What? No! That's not it! I just...” He looks back down at his hands. “I think maybe  _I'm_ ready, and I just, I don't know how to bring it up.”

Dean knows he should feel relieved that Cas isn't being pressured, but, somehow, he feels even worse. How does that even make sense? “So you guys haven't even discussed it?” Dean asks.

Castiel shakes his head. “I mean, not really. We sort of talked about it once, when we were...” He glances shyly at Dean and then away again. “I'm sorry, this is really awkward isn't it?”

Dean springs up and moves to sit at the end of the bed where he can reach out and touch Cas, placing a hand on his friend's in hopes it will alleviate some of his discomfort. “Hey, no, well, I mean, a little, yeah, but you need someone to talk to about it, right?”

Cas looks up at him guiltily, and the expression doesn't sit right with Dean, makes it feel like there's something lodged between the bones of his ribcage. “Yeah, but you aren't-”

“Gay?” Dean asks, and Castiel nods, averting his eyes again. “Hey, look, that doesn't matter. You're my best friend, and I'm here for you, even if it's kind of weird. So,” he plasters on a smile that he hopes doesn't look too fake, “talk to me. We'll figure it out.”

* * *

The next morning, Dean heads home feeling miserable. He and Cas had stayed up a good portion of the night, and while Cas apparently feels better at the prospect of having sex with his boyfriend, Dean definitely doesn't, especially with knowing the two are going out today. He can't get the idea out of his head that Balthazar's “special” way of asking Cas to homecoming involves his dick.

Once home, Dean falls face first into his bed, burying his face into his pillows. He just lays there a moment, marinating in his own misery. He doesn't move until he hears his text tone go off. He roots around blindly for his phone before he remembers he put it in his overnight bag. He turns his head to look across the room, and sure enough, there's the bag, sitting by his bedroom door. He contemplates not moving, but then the phone goes off again. He pushes himself out of bed, shuffling across the room in his socked feet to retrieve the obnoxious thing. When he checks it, there's two messages from Anna.

_'Good morning! Just checking we're still on for today.'_

_'What's the dress code for this “special date” you have planned ;)'_

Dean quickly texts her back before dropping the phone back into his bag and crawling back into his bed, getting under the covers this time.

_'Not feeling well. Gotta cancel'_

* * *

The next Friday finds Dean at the homecoming game, despite his hatred of everything having to do with high school football. But, Anna was nominated for homecoming queen, and coming to show support is the least he can do after being such a shitty boyfriend lately. Even if in the end she winds up losing, at least he's there to show his support. Hell, he even brought flowers and everything.

“I'm fine with it, really,” she says while they lean against the trunk of the Impala in the parking lot. “It didn't mean that much to me.”

“But it meant something to you,” Dean insists, then mentally kicks himself. God, he's really bad at this cheering up thing, isn't he?

Anna smiles up at him, and it almost looks sad. Dean's chest constricts painfully. “Not as much as some other things,” she says.

“There's always prom queen, right?” Dean jokes weakly, Anna's answering laugh just as weak.

They sit in silence for a moment, listening to the announcer calling out plays and points and the band's sporadic playing. Finally, Dean asks, “Anna, what's wrong?”

Anna looks up at him, eyes searching his, and for a moment, he thinks she's going to play dumb or lie, but instead, she says, “You don't love me, do you?”

It stops Dean in his tracks because, whoa,  _what?_ “Anna, what-”

“It's okay,” she says. “I mean, it's not like I'm in love with you, either.”

Dean stares at her in confusion. “Then what-”

And because she apparently can't let him finish a sentence (not that he even knows what to say, anyway), she interrupts him again, saying, “I wouldn't care, except that...”

When she doesn't start speaking again, Dean prompts, “Except that?”

She stares at him, and god damn if it doesn't feel like she's staring into his very soul. “Except that you're in love with someone else.”

_That_ gets Dean's attentions. And even as blue eyes that definitely  _don't_ belong to Anna flash across his mine, he's saying, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! What? No I'm not!”

Anna just smiles sadly at him. “Yeah, you are,” she says. “And the saddest part is that you're just going to let him slip through your fingers.”

If feels like a bucket of ice has just been poured over him. Numb, he mutter, “'Him?'” Dark hair and shy smiles flash across his mind, and _no, no, no, this is_ not _happening!_

Anna's smile turns, well, not kinder. The more appropriate word would probably be “pitying.” “Castiel, you idiot.” She doesn't sound angry when she says it, just exasperated. She turns her attention up to the sky, but Dean can only watch her, speechless, as she continues, “I had always wondered, you know? The way Cas always talked about you and the way you two were  _always_ together, it seemed kind of obvious. But then Cas set us up, and for the first time, I wondered if I was wrong. But the way you've acted through this whole Balthazar thing?” She shakes her head and looks at him again. “Dean, that isn't how friends act. You blew me off after finding out Cas wanted to have sex with him.”

“How did you-”

She cuts him off yet  _again_ . “Cas told me he talked to you about it, and I put two and two together.” She sighs. “Look, Dean, I do really like you, but it isn't fair to keep this up. Not to me, or to Cas.”

Silence falls between them again, Anna apparently out of words and Dean not knowing what to say. He  _should_ deny it, tell her he is in no way in love with  _Castiel_ , of all people. Except that he can't. He's never given it much thought before, but maybe she's right. Even he has to admit he'd thought it weird how against Balthazar he is despite the guy proving himself to be nothing but a gentleman to Cas.

But Cas is his  _best friend_ . He's family, like Sammy. Except, no, not like Sammy. But Cas? Could he really be in love with Cas? It seems like too big an idea, too strange, to even start to wrap his mind around.

About all he can say by this point is, “So, I guess we're breaking up?”

Anna is silent for a moment, and when Dean turns to look at her, it's to find she's already staring at him. “Will you at least still take me to homecoming?” she asks.

Dean smiles at her as best he can. “It's the least I can do.”

It isn't until later, as he's driving her home with the radio turned down low, neither of them speaking, that Dean remembers the obvious lie Cas had told when Dean had asked him is he knew what was up with Anna. Oh God, he thinks he's going to be sick. Cas can't know, _right_? Dean didn't even know. Fuck, he _still_ doesn't know. But he has to ask, won't be able to face the guy if he doesn't know.

“Anna?” His voice is rough, voice cracking from disuse because shit like that always happens when things are already awkward enough. He clears his throat and tries again. “Anna, Cas doesn't know, does he?” He tries to ignore how his heart is up in his throat, beating faster than can possibly be healthy.

Anna shakes her head softly. “I don't think so.”

“But... But I asked him, you know, what was wrong with you. I could tell he was lying.”

She smiles wryly. “I only told him I thought you were interested in someone else. I think he thought I was insane. So, no, Dean, if he does by some chance know, it isn't from me.”

Dean quickly sends up a thanks to whatever spiritual whatnot lives up in the sky for small miracles.

* * *

Dean takes Anna to homecoming the next day with no one the wiser to their breakup. Hell, for a second, Dean almost thinks he dreamed up the whole thing (which wouldn't actually make anything better since the thought of Cas like _that_ has been put in his head either way). The only way he knows it happened for real is that she doesn't kiss him except for one small peck on the cheek, a barely there ghosting of flesh of flesh just for the benefit of fooling their friends.

Dean isn't much better off, though. He tries to show her a good time, honestly he does. He wants to give her the homecoming experience she deserves, because she definitely deserves a good one after putting up with his ass. He tries his best to keep his eyes on her instead of wandering to Cas, but it's useless. Now that the idea has been put in his head, he can't help looking at him in a completely different way, can't help feeling even sicker as he watches Cas and Balthazar dance together, as he watches Balthazar's hands travel up and down Cas's back. It eventually gets to be too much, and he decides that it's really best for everyone tonight if Dean only has eyes for Anna, so that's what he does, trying to appreciate how beautiful she looks, instead. He doesn't try to win her back though, doesn't even think about it. There wouldn't really be any point.

They're there for two hours by the time Cas walks up to him to let him know that he and Balthazar will be leaving. Cas looks so damn nervous and excited, that Dean has no delusions about just  _why_ they are leaving so early. And when they've disappeared from sight, Anna delicately touches his arm to draw his attention and, with a sympathetic smile, says “I guess we're done here, huh? I'll call my dad to get me.”

Dean doesn't even protest or offer to take her home himself, he doesn't have the energy to. Instead, he finds himself wandering out to the parking lot and just sitting on the curb. He isn't sure how much time passes before Dorothy and Charlie come out and find him.

Charlie sits down beside him and hooks her arm through his. “Hey, what's wrong? Where's Anna?”

“She left,” Dean answers miserably. “We broke up.”  
“What?” Charlie asks in disbelief.

“She thinks I'm in love with Cas,” he says, and then adds, “I think she might be right.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uggghhhh, I'm so sorry! I haven't updated in like a million years, and now that I do, the chapter is so bad! I struggled so much with this! But... I tried, and I tried to fix it up as much as I could. I hope it appeases you guys at least a little!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world spins around Castiel, a dizzying, beautiful, gratifying display of lights that he's never before experienced on any sort of high before this. It isn't until after that he realizes that just because everything is perfect, that doesn't mean it's right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look! I'm not dead! And this fic isn't dead! Sorry for the massive delay. Life has been kicking my butt, but hopefully I'll be making more of a concerted effort to get back on top of writing!
> 
> Thank you to my wonderful beta, [Beka](http://agirlfromottowa.tumblr.com)! You are the best!

The world spins around Castiel, a dizzying, beautiful, gratifying display of lights that he's never before experienced on any sort of high before this. With every touch and whispered word and breathless laugh, the butterflies in Castiel's stomach roar higher and higher. The experience - roses and candle light - the night - dancing and laughing and a wonderful dinner before it all - the partner - his perfect, sophisticated boyfriend who makes him laugh and never makes him feel odd or strange or different unless it was in a way that lifts him up - they are all perfect, everything Castiel ever could have asked for and more. It isn't until after that he realizes that just because everything is perfect, that doesn't mean it's _right_.

Balthazar is asleep in his room, but Castiel sits on the couch in the silent living room, listening to the overwhelming quiet. This was planned so well, Balthazar's parents out of town, and everything  _was_ perfect. So then why do the butterflies lay dead and burning in his gut, the flames licking up his chest, up so high until his eyes burn with it? He stubbornly blinks back tears. He won't cry over this; there's no sense in it. He was so sure he'd wanted this. Dean would say Balthazar had pushed him, but that just isn't true. If anyone had been pushing, it was Castiel. He'd been so eager, so ready to move forward. It's not like he was naive. Either way, it isn't fair that he feels so wretched. Maybe it's the endorphin drop.

He decides that must be it, and resolves to get off the couch and get some sleep. He will feel better in the morning.

When he reaches the room and stands in the doorway, he stares at Balthazar blissfully resting and unaware of Castiel's own inner turmoil. He feels like a phantom here, an apparition not of this world, with Balthazar so close yet so ignorant; he doesn't ever stir.

Cas shakes his head. This is ridiculous. He isn't thinking straight. He tries to steel himself to get into the bed, but quickly realizes he shouldn't have to steel himself for anything. He silently collects his things and sneaks back out to dress in the hall. It will be awkward once Balthazar wakes up alone, but it will be less awkward than if Castiel stays and acts like this. He at least thinks to leave a note telling Balthazar that he's gone home.

He doesn't even think to be concerned that he has no ride as he walks out into the brisk October chill. It's a long walk home, but it will be good for thinking. Even if the ache in his lower back tempts him to call a ride, there's no one to call. All his friends are busy, and his grandmother thinks he's at Dean's.

_Dean_ . He stops walking at the thought of the name. Dean would be there for him, he knows, but... His hands twitches in a longing to fish out his phone and call. He won't do it. Dean will only look at him with those tortured eyes he's been wearing for the last two months and make threats against Balthazar, which is the last thing Castiel wants. This isn't Balthazar's fault. 

Castiel wants to scream, but instead he starts walking again.

Dean continues to stick in his head. Dean, who was his first friend when he moved here. Dean, who let Castiel hide at his house when Cas didn't want to see his father. Dean, who never judged Castiel for who he was or wasn't, who would hold his hand when he was nervous, who shared his first kiss when they'd been young and curious, who - Castiel's face flushes despite the cold, and he resolutely refused to follow that train of thought. 

_Dean, who is perfect Anna Milton's boyfriend but still looks at Cas as though he's the world_ .

These aren't appropriate thoughts to have. After all, Dean  _is_ Anna's boyfriend. And Castiel is Balthazar's. Yet the dying butterflies that turned to compost in his stomach and make him sick say that things aren't quite so clear cut and simple, and suddenly Castiel feels like a fraud. His hands shake from more than the chill when he thinks about it. Has he really wanted Dean all along? He wants to deny it, say it isn't so, argue that why would he have even set up Dean and Anna in the first place?

Except there's an answer for that, too, isn't there? Anna was Castiel's friend. Maybe he never expected Dean and her to work out so well, only for her to keep Dean close at hand. And maybe he only thought he liked Balthazar. Maybe it was a cry for attention or a ploy to get back at Dean for being ignored.

Castiel shakes his head.  _No._ He can't deal with this right now. He can't, and he won't. He is tired and sore and cold, and his house looms on the horizon. He speeds up his pace, hissing through the pain that sears up his spine, and as silently as he crept out of Balthazar's house, he creeps into his. He'll have to give Grandmother some reason that he came home instead of staying with Dean, but he'd rather not have to come up with it now. He doesn't think he could make it through one word before he broke down and cried to her.

He quietly makes his way to his room, mindful of the places where the old stairs creak. He softly closes the door to his room and strips down completely, too world-weary to deal with finding pajamas to put on. He crawls into bed and pulls the hand-knit quilt up to his chin. 

Exhausted, but in no state to sleep, he stares at his room, the dark corners morphing into shapes. It hasn't changed much since he was a child. The bookshelves are a little more fit to bursting, perhaps, and there may be more accumulated brick-a-brac, but it still the same fairyland he'd created with hopes of designing a place that could cure him of his sadness. He's not sure it ever worked, but Dean had always claimed it was  _his_ favorite place in the world.

Castiel's chest feels hollow, and he swallows past the lump in his throat. Even home, he still won't cry. He stopped crying the day Chuck dropped him off here, and he refuses to start again. He skirts around admitting that it's because he's afraid he'd never stop, that it would tumble from one thing to the next until he drowned in his tears a la  _Alice in Wonderland_ . He's, of course, heard the expression "a good cry never hurt anyone," but he thinks whoever came up with it obviously didn't know what true abandonment feels like.

His eyes flick across the one bookshelf where he knows the Carver Edlund books sit. He's still never read them, and it's petty not to. He simply doesn't want to admit his father could be good at something. The man who would pass out drunk with the stove on and who dropped Castiel off at his grandmother's without so much as a backwards glance - that's the only way Castiel wants to remember him. If he doesn't have that bitterness, he feels he may have little else to ground him in who he is. It's unhealthy, but if no one knows that's what he does, they can't tell him what he already knows.

He glances at the desk across the room from the shelf. He can't see his mother's postcards like this, but he knows they're there. The amount grows every year, but not as much as one would think. When he thinks of Becky, it isn't with the same sort of scorn he thinks of Chuck. No. When he thinks of his mother, he doesn't feel much of anything. She left so early that the only memories he has of her aren't even in their home. All he remembers is an eccentric woman who swoops into his life when it suits her to spirit him away to some exotic locale and then drop him back into his life just as suddenly. Castiel is well traveled because of it, but that doesn't make him grateful. 

He thinks about the distance between his parents. He's never known them together, and even as a child, he never held out hope they would be. He'd specifically placed the reminders of them as far apart as he could at the tender age of four. He smiles crookedly when he remembers how Grandmother had placed the postcards and books together when he'd first moved in and Castiel had all but thrown a fit over it. It's one of the only ones he remembers having.

He buries his face into the quilt, the smile slowly fading to something more sober and thoughtful as he ruminates of the fact that his parents were never made to fit into the same life. They were both too selfish. Becky wanted freedom, and Chuck wanted approval, and neither of them had room in their lives for each or Castiel. It wasn't necessarily their fault. They were just broken, whether born that way or raised that way.

Castiel thinks of Dean, and he thinks of Anna, and he thinks of Balthazar. And maybe he's just like his parents, too; too broken to want what he has. 

And it's to that path of self-discovery he falls asleep.

* * *

 

Castiel sleeps like the dead that night, but only for a few hours. When he wakes, the sun isn't even up. It's still dark outside his window, no stars or moon visible through the clouds. He leaves the curtains open. It's supposed to rain today, but if the sun rises, he'll let it through.

He gets up and puts on a clean pair of sweats and an old tee shirt made soft from wear. He gathers his clothes from last night and puts them in the dirty clothes hamper in his closet. He methodically unpacks his overnight bag, putting everything away. When he grabs his phone, it's with the intent to plug it up to the charger, but the blinking green light stops him. The small viewscreen on the front indicates a voicemail. He flips the phone open, fully expecting it to be from Balthazar, but it isn't. It's from Dean.

Confused but curious, he holds down the '1' and waits as the lady tells him he has one new voicemail. 

_"Cas, Cas, man, I didn't know,"_ Dean babbles, and Castiel frowns. Dean is obviously drunk.  _"Didn't realize until Anna said, but-"_ Dean sighs, and Cas can imagine the way he would pull his hand down his face as he does it.  _"Cas, I-"_

_"Dean!"_ Castiel about jumps out of his skin when he hears Charlie yelling over the voicemail. Then there's the sound of a tussle and eventually the voicemail ends. 

Castiel winds up staring at the phone as the woman tells him his options. She even winds up repeating herself when Castiel still just stares. Before she can tell him one more time to press pound for more options, he hangs up the phone.

_Until Anna told him?_ Told him what? He presses the circle button in the center of the arrows to light up the phone and check the time - 4:15. No one will be awake now.

He continues on his quest to plug the phone in, and as he does it, he inventories what he needs to do once the sun comes up. First, he'll call Balthazar. No matter what, Castiel owes him an explanation before he does anything else. Then, he'll call Anna. If Dean was drunk with Charlie, something happened, and it would be better to deal with Anna first. Besides, he needs to know what she told him. 

After all that, he'll determine what to do about Dean. But before... Castiel glances at one of the bookshelves, the one where he knows the Carver Edlund books are buried.

First, he has some reading to do. He won't finish even a single book today, but he'll read at least until he can call Balthazar. He needs to start on a path of healing. He's been bitter for far too long.

Over his bed, the gray of pre-dawn shines through his window.

* * *

 

Castiel reads the whole morning, not even making an appearance when he hears his grandmother up and about in the kitchen, fixing herself breakfast. More than likely, she doesn't even realize he's home.

He's knocked out one of the books and is about a quarter of the way through the next, and while they may be far from the best things Castiel has ever read, there is a certain realness to them.

Reading about the brothers Packles crossing the country in an old car, fighting nightmares, Castiel suddenly feels a connection to his father. His very soul initially revolts at the thought, but after a few measure breaths, he finds it easier to make peace with the discovery. After all, Chuck and Cas really aren't all that different when it comes down to it. Both were abandoned by their fathers, left to be raised by the same hardy woman who never seems to let life get her down. It chokes Cas up a little to think on it - how hard his grandmother has worked, and how lonely she must be. He's always been to stuck on his own abandonment to give thought to the fact she's been abandoned twice now, first by a deadbeat husband that Cas knows near next to nothing about, and then by her own son. Castiel wants to vow to never do the same, but the applications he's filled for out-of-state colleges come to mind. He vows instead to make sure he calls.

Castiel isn't sure whether to coin it a blessing or a curse that at least he still has some contact with his dad, that at least Chuck comes around, unlike the nameless, faceless grandfather Cas has never known. 

Before he can actually think of honest-to-God compliments for his father, that train of thought is derailed by the buzzing of his phone. Continued buzzing, at that; a phone call. Castiel's stomach simultaneously sinks and flips at the same time, and suddenly he really wants to throw up. Instead, he faces the music, grabbing the phone before the call can go to voicemail and he comes off as even more of a grade-A douche bag than he already has.

He doesn't even glance at caller ID before answering. There's only one person it could be this early.

 

 


End file.
